All The Things You Said
by AmyHale
Summary: Addison has a plan: see her daughter, make sure she's living a happy life and leave without anyone knowing who she actually is. Everything changes when she falls in love with Derek, the girl's adoptive father.
1. Mama, Papa, Forgive Me

**All The Things You Said**

**Chapter One**

**-Mama, Papa, Forgive Me-**

With one big breath, Addison forced herself to stop crying. She wiped her face, blew her nose and smoothed her hair with her fingers. There was a knock on the door, and her brother entered.

"How are you?"

Addison shrugged. "Like five hours ago when you last asked me."

Archer gave her a sympathetic smile. "You'll feel better after a hot shower." he told her.

"A hot shower may be magic, but it certainly can't solve my problems, Archie. Not the ones I have now."

Archer nodded. "I came up to tell you something, though. Bizzy and the Captain are starting to notice you're acting strange. So, well, you should tell them. It'll be worse if you keep pulling it off."

She sighed heavily, looking down. "How do I tell them, Archie? Ho do I tell _Bizzy and the Captain_ that I am freaking pregnant!"

"Addie, if you don't lower your voice they'll know without you actually telling them."

Addison looked at him sadly. "What do I do?"

Archer protectively put his arm around her shoulders. "Now we go downstairs and you eat something. Lisa made brownies. Then we get our parents, sit them down and tell them together."

"Okay."

This time, Addison's voice was so feeble that her brother barely heard her answer.

They did as he said. Addison let him lead her downstairs, and she ate two brownies as slowly as possible, with some tea. When she was done she sat on the brown couch, wrapping her arms around her own waist. She was scared, afraid of her parents' reaction. She knew they'd get mad, they'd yell. It wasn't what she needed; she needed comfort, like the one Archer was giving her. She needed love. She needed her baby, although she didn't know how to take care of it. Protectively, Addison placed her hands on her abdomen, conscious of the fact that there was someone inside of her. It was scary, of course, but magical.

"What is going on?" Addison heard Bizzy asked as she and Michael entered the room, confused.

"What's wrong, Addison?" her father took place in front of her and looked at her waiting for an answer.

Addison swallowed, unable to talk. She looked at Archer, who immediately went to sit beside her.

"We're waiting, Archer and Addison." Bizzy's voice was cold and unwelcoming for Addison. She thought it was better to stay silent.

"Addison. Come one." this time it was Archer who talked, gently.

She inhaled deeply, deciding to just rip the band-aid off. A few seconds, five short words and then it would be over. She could do it. She _had_ to.

"I am having a baby."

There was a pregnant silent, that invested her like cold water and made her feel even more scared.

"Is it a joke? Because it isn't funny."

Addison didn't talk.

"Addison Adrienne Forbes Montgomery!" her mother exclaimed, still shocked enough to not show the anger she was feeling inside.

"Sorry." she whispered, tears in her eyes once again.

"Sorry? You're _sorry_?" Michael Montgomery yelled, causing Addison to wince.

"Calm down..."

"Archer, shut your mouth."

"It was an accident! She didn't mean to get pregnant!"

Bizzy glared at her son, the turned back to Addison. "What were you thinking?"

"I don't know. It just happened."

"_It just happened?_"

"I thought I was ready. It was stupid."

"You're not keeping it." Bizzy informed her daughter.

"You can't force her to have an abortion!"

"I didn't say abortion. The choice is hers, she can choose adoption. But I won't stand here watching my only daughter give up her studies and her career for _a baby_."

"But it's _my_ baby." Addison weakly protested.

"You've just turned nineteen, young lady. Where do you think you can go with a baby? What about college, Addison?"

"I can be both. Both a mother and a college student."

"No you can't, Addison." the Captain said, rising to his feet. "If you want to have this baby, you have to know we won't give you any money. Not even a nickel. And you won't live here, that is for sure. You'll have to find a job, and a place to live, and study, and be a single mother – since I assume your little boyfriend isn't in the picture. Does it still sound appealing, Addison? Uh?"

Archer looked at his parents angrily, ready to defend his sister. "Legally, you can't force her to do anything."

"You're right." Michael answered him. "We can't. Your sister can raise her baby, if she wants, but not in this house and not with our money."

Bizzy, not having anything else to add, stood up to leave.

"Mother!"

"Don't, Archer. I have nothing to say. I have enough of your sister's stupidity. I'll see you later."

Addison bit her lip, trying not to cry. She didn't want her father to see her. Archer squeezed her hand and gave her a smile. He wanted to tell her she could do it anyway, but he knew Addison couldn't have a child without Bizzy and the Captain's financial support.

"You have plans for your future, Addison. What about med school, and becoming a surgeon?"

Addison answered defeated. "Alright, I'm okay with the adoption."

_**x**_

Addison woke up in the middle of the night feeling sharp pains on her abdomen. She glanced at her alarm clock. It was four am. It was too soon. She wasn't ready to give up on her son or daughter. She was hurting, both physically and emotionally.

"Archer!" she screamed, though knowing he wasn't there, clinging to her belly.

The door opened soon after her yelp. Bizzy burst into the room. She appeared different in her night gown and with messy hair. "Are you having contractions?"

"I don't know! I don't want to." Addison cried.

Bizzy put her hand on Addison's sweaty forehead. "It's okay. It's okay. Let's go to the hospital. Calm down." she did her best to have a soothing tone, but Addison couldn't stop crying.

"It's my baby, Bizzy."

"It's okay, Addison. You'll hold it for a while."

"I want to hold it forever."

Bizzy sighed. "Addison, are you changing your mind?"

"I never wanted this! I want to keep it. You made me choose this, you gave me no choice! Bizzy, help me! Please!"

"Get up. I need to get you to the hospital before you give birth here on this damn bed."

Addison cried for the whole drive, caressing her bump and talking to the baby through her sobs.

Bizzy kept glancing at her daughter as she drove, feeling the guilt rise. She knew she wouldn't give in, though. A baby wasn't in the picture for the future she wanted for Addison, although it hurt her to see her that distraught.

"My daughter is forty weeks pregnant, she's having contractions." she told the nurse when they arrived.

"How far apart are they?"

"Addison, honey, how far apart are they?"

"I don't know." she sobbed.

"Alright, we'll check. Come with me, sweetie, come on. Don't be scared."

"Do you want me to call Archer, Addison?"

She nodded. "Will he come?"

"I'm sure he'll be here as soon as he can."

Archer was in New York for college, but Bizzy knew he'd find the fastest way to see his sister.

"You're already seven centimeters dilated. You should be done in a few hours."

"Only a few hours?" Addison asked frantically. "Not more?"

The nurse looked at her. "You can't really predict these things. I'll check on you in an hour; you could still be dilated of seven centimeters, or more."

Addison nodded. She didn't want to give birth just yet, but she knew it was inevitable.

It lasted four hours. Four hours of contractions, of crying, of feelings her heart break. Her father didn't show up. Archer arrived just as she started to push.

"You can do this, Addison." Archer took her right hand; Bizzy was holding her left one. He kissed the top of her head. "Push and you'll see your baby, Addie."

And she pushed. It hurt her, deeply, both physically and emotionally, but she kept pushing.

"Alright, Addison, I can see the head, your baby is almost here."

With one last scream, Addison pushed out the newborn, her crying mixed with the baby's.

"It's a girl!"

"A girl, Addie..." Archer whispered, amazed.

Addison turned her face away, burying it in her brother's chest.

"Don't you want to hold her?" the doctor, or maybe a nurse, asked, not able to fully hide her surprise.

"Take it away." Addison said in a hoarse voice.

"She's not keeping her. She decided for adoption." Bizzy explained, earning herself a disgusted look from her son.

"Okay. If you don't want to hold her I'll bring her to the nursery, then. You can come to see her later, you can still change your mind."

Addison shook her head firmly. It was over. The baby was no longer hers.


	2. New Found Angel

**All The Things You Said**

**Chapter Two**

**-New Found Angel-**

**A/N: To make things more realistic, Meredith and Derek live in Connecticut as well, though from the next chapter they'll already have moved to Seattle**. **Last time I forgot to say that I'll update weekly!**

Derek yawned, closing his eyes as his wife walked to the bed and settled under the blankets. After working all day and night, he was exhausted, and all he wanted was to fall asleep immediately. He was sure he wouldn't be able to hear or feel anything, that night. He heard a phone ringing in the distance, then it all went black.

"Hello?" Meredith said wearily into the phone, wondering who it could be in the middle of the night.

"Hello, am I speaking to Mrs. Meredith Shepherd?"

"Yes, that would be me."

"I'm Laura Barnes, from the adoption agency you and your husband contacted."

"Yes?" Meredith's heart was racing.

"We finally find a baby for you. A baby girl from Hartford. She was born on eight forty-five am this morning."

"Is it sure that she can be ours?"

"It is. You've been waiting for over a year, now it's time."

"When can we come and get her?"

"As soon as you would like."

"Thank you, thank you so much."

Meredith hung up, wiped away the tears of joy that were falling from her eyes, and started to shake her husband to wake him up.

"Derek. Derek!"

He mumbled in his deep sleep, and rolled over.

"Derek, wake up!" she raised her voice.

"Mmh, what?" he muttered.

"Der, the adoption agency called, wake up right now!"

The world 'adoption' was enough to make him jerk up. He looked at his wife puzzled. "They called?"

"They found a baby girl for us." Meredith told him in a whisper. It still felt like a dream.

"When?"

"She was born at eight forty-five am in Hartford. We can go get her whenever."

"I know I'm basically sleeping on my feet, but can we go now?"

"Of course." she answered, as a tear of joy rolled down her cheek.

They got dressed quickly, putting on the first clothes they found.

"Hurry." Derek panted; his tiredness disappeared as soon as he was told he was having a daughter. "What did they say exactly?"

"Not much. Just that this baby girl was born and that we were her parents. She said we could go there as soon as we wanted. Drive carefully, though!" she added as he abruptly stopped at a red light he almost didn't notice.

"Sorry."

"I am so happy, Der. This is the best day of my life."

"Wait till we see her, Mer. She'll be the most beautiful baby girl in the world. Our daughter."

"Our daughter." Meredith savored those sweet words. "I love how it sounds. So perfectly right."

"I can't wait to hold her. I want time to pass quickly."

"Me too. Hartford has never been so far."

"I just want to get to that hospital."

"I know."

Derek drove as fast as safety allowed him to. He and Meredith shared a smile once in a while. They were both getting too excited to actually talk.

"We're here!" Meredith exclaimed, jumping up.

"Hurry."

Meredith laughed, still wondering whether it was a dream or reality. It seemed too good to be happening, but excitement jerked them awake again.

They walked in hand in hand.

Once on the maternity floor, Meredith cleared her throat and asked a nurse for Laura Barnes, the social worker who was taking care of the adoption.

The nurse nodded. "Are you Derek and Meredith Shepherd? Ms Barnes is waiting for you; follow me." she led them to the nursery. "Ms Barnes, the Shepherds are here."

Laura smiled at them through the glass of the door, and put a baby girl back in her crib. _Their_ baby girl.

"That was your daughter."

"Can we, can we hold her?"

"In a minute. I wanted to have a talk with you first. It won't take long."

They sat in a conference room opposite to the nursery.

"The baby is perfect. She was born on her due date; perfect weight, and lungs, and heart. Her mother hasn't turned twenty yet, she's still a teenager, ad she can't keep her. She asked for a totally closed adoption; which means you won't have to send her photos, letters or grant her visits. She'll probably never contact you." then, she pushed some papers towards them. "After you sign these, the baby will be yours. We'll check on you twice, six months and a year from now. You won't previously be told about the visits, but I'm sure there won't be any problem. That's all." she handed them a pen. Meredith took it first, signing each document fast and handed it to Derek.

"Can we see her now?" he said then, releasing some of his nervousness.

Laura Barnes smiled. "Of course."

She picked up the newborn in her arms, and carefully placed her in Derek's.

"Hi, baby girl. You're beautiful."

"Hey there, sweetie." Meredith brushed her thumb against her light-haired head, tears starting to form in her eyes. "Does she have a name?"

"No. We've been calling her Baby M though."

"Baby M?" Derek asked. "Why?"

"It's her biological mother's last name. It starts with M."

"We should give her a name that starts with M, Derek."

"I'll give you some time alone with her. I'll see you later."

"Thank you." Derek said, his eyes fixed on his daughter. "Are you sure, Mer? I liked the name Angel."

"I think it could be a way to thank her mother with the name. A way to honor her, since she gave us our angel."

"Okay." he cradled her for a while, then handed her to Meredith. "Melissa?"

"Oh, I knew a Melissa in school, bad memories."

"Mmh... Michelle? Maya? Maiven?"

"I was thinking about Mackenzie."

"Mackenzie." he repeated, looking at the baby intently. "It suits her, doesn't it?"

"I really like it. Mackenzie Shepherd. Mackenzie Angelica Shepherd?" she asked, trying to include the 'angel' her husband liked so much.

Derek leaned in and pecked her lips. "Perfect." then he froze, swallowing. "I gotta call my mom."

_**x**_

Later that day, after a two hour nap they were forced to take, they were allowed to take Mackenzie out of the hospital. They decided to spend the night in a hotel, and then stop at Derek's mother's house for a few days before driving back to Avon.

The hotel room was homely, comfortable and big enough for the baby's stuff they were given at the hospital and bought a few hours earlier. They ordered two hamburgers and salad for dinner, and permitted themselves a chocolate muffin each.

They soon found out Mackenzie wasn't an easy sleeper, and that she liked to be held. As soon as Meredith placed her in the cot, she started to fuss and soon her soft whimpers turned into a piercing wailing.

Derek quickly rested her against his chest, and Mackenzie calmed down in a mere second. "You like to cuddle, don't you?" he winked at his daughter.

"Do you think she needs something? Meredith worried.

"No, Mer, she's fine. Eat your dinner; I'll put her down in a minute. See, she's okay. Just wanted a kiss."

They ate quietly, their eyes mostly fixed on their Mackenzie.

"It's like a dream that became truth." Meredith whispered as Derek wrapped his arms around her waist, ready to finally sleep after two endless days.

He kissed her temple, mumbling a 'yes' in her ear before closing his eyes. Meredith settled in his arms and fell asleep, too.

Three hours later, Mackenzie woke them up. They both jumped up, exhausted but happy to hold her again.

"I'm here, baby girl." Meredith cooed at the baby. "Are you hungry?" she took the warm bottle Derek was handing her, but Mackenzie refused to suck. "Why isn't she eating? She, she doesn't need a change... she isn't cold. She has to be hungry."

"Wait a sec, Mer. Try again."

She did, with no luck. Mackenzie kept crying, screaming her lungs out, and weakly pushing away her bottle.

"Let me try." Derek scooped her in his arms, cradling her, and whispering some old song Meredith didn't recognize.

A tear rolled down Meredith's cheek when, almost forty-five minutes later, the newborn still hadn't stopped crying. "Does she sense we're not her parents, Derek?"

He looked at his wife, surprised and also sad.

"We are her parents, Mer. We are. _We_ are, the two of us. The first night is always hard. But we're her parents, and we will always be. Mackenzie knows it."

"Okay." Meredith took the baby from Derek again, and lay her on their bed, lying next to her. She kept rubbing her belly, until after a long time they finally fell asleep.


	3. Thinkin' Of You

**All The Things You Said**

**Chapter Three**

**-Thinkin' of You-**

With a sigh, Addison rang the doorbell of her parents' house. She was late, and Bizzy and Michael did not appreciate lateness, especially from her daughter. Thankfully, being late meant that Archer was already there. She always arrived first at their family dinners, and after a few hours alone with her parents she always had migraines.

Archer opened the wooden door with a jerk. "Finally, Adds! Bizzy was about to start eating. She's pretty pissed."

"I imagine. Well, she was the one who wanted me to give my daughter up in order to study, now I'm a surgeon and she's paying the price." she commented bitterly as they walked towards the dining room.

Archer held back a sigh. It was the week of his niece's eleventh birthday, the only time of the year his sister allowed herself to think about her daughter, and she was hurting and upset.

"Addison. You're late." Bizzy informed her daughter as soon as she saw her. Her voice was slightly annoyed and her face was tense, but her eyes told a different story, they showed the happiness she was feeling seeing her daughter.

"Thank you for the information, mother." Addison answered bitterly as they sat at the table.

"Archer, go get your father, please. How are you, Addison?"

"I'm doing great." she answered quietly.

Bizzy looked at her daughter with regret. The day of her granddaughter's birth replayed in her head more often than she ever thought it would, and she was finally understanding how Addison had been feeling for the past decade, and guilt was haunting her. Though she was proud of Addison for becoming a doctor and she was happy that she didn't give up studying, she often imagined her life with a granddaughter. The granddaughter she had more or less forced her daughter to not have.

"I'm sorry." she suddenly said, bringing Addison back to reality, just as Archer and Michael entered the room.

"Sorry about what?" The Captain asked his wife. "Good evening, Kitten."

Addison ignored the nickname; she hated it but her father just wouldn't get it. "Good evening. What were you saying, Bizzy?"

"I'm...I'm sorry I...that I didn't let you choose. I'm sorry I imposed on you my choice. Which was wrong, by the way. I can see it now."

Addison looked at her in surprise, unable to answer. Se tried to think about the baby as rarely as possible, because every time she did it was like being stabbed. She resented her parents for what had happened, but tried to hide it because she didn't want to spend her life fighting a lost battle. Now, her mother's admission was bittersweet. She was happy Bizzy understood, but it was late now. It had been eleven years.

"It was the right thing to do." Michael said.

"No it wasn't! Well, it was, partly, but she could have managed discretely with out help."

"I don't want to hear it." Addison told her. "I'm glad to know you understand my pain and that you realized you were wrong, but I can't handle 'could have been's, Bizzy."

Bizzy leaned against the chair, defeated. Bizzy. Her son and daughter called her Bizzy. How could she have allowed it? They referred to their father as 'Captain', for heaven's sake!

"Addison, I... God." she sighed, burying her face in her hands.

"Should we eat?" Michael said, clearing his throat.

Bizzy nodded, pushing back what was on the tip of her tongue. "Sure, we should eat. Everything is ready."

Archer squeezed Addison's shoulder before sitting down in front of her.

The Captain started to eat, but Bizzy and Addison couldn't bring themselves to touch the food in their plates, and Archer, worried about his younger sister, was warily waiting for her to break down. He was conscious of the fact that, after all those years of blocking the thoughts of her kid in a remote corner of her mind, sooner or later Addison would explode.

"God, I feel nauseous." she said indeed, a few moments later.

Archer reached out to take her hand, but Addison pulled away, gasping for air as her breathing became heavy.

Bizzy stood up quickly, walking to her distraught daughter. "If you want to look for her, I'll be by your side, Addison."

"Bizzy!" Archer jumped up. "It's a closed adoption, isn't it? The child might not even know she's adopted!" as much as he would have liked his sister to meet her daughter, and wanted to himself, it wasn't a good idea. Addison was no longer the girl's mother, and this decision to seek the eleven-year-old could turn a lot of people's life upside down forever. It was a big step.

"But you don't need to tell her who you are, Addison. You can just watch her from a distance to make sure she's alright. You can. You can."

_**x**_

She was nervous. So nervous that, instead of looking like the young independent woman that she was, she probably resembled the scared clumsy teenager that she had been.

Addison couldn't sit still. She paced the hallway for a while, but she felt dizzy standing on her feet. Now, she couldn't stop herself from biting her normally manicured nails, and agitation was eating her alive.

Finally, after ages, she was called in.

"Good morning." she woman greeted her with a comforting smile. "Please, have a seat."

"Good morning. Thank you for having me."

"It's a more frequent situation than you might think."

"So, uhm, I understand you're who took care of my, uhm, daughter's adoption?"

The woman, Laura Barnes, nodded. "I am. When you left the hospital after giving birth, I was called in. You signed for a closed adoption, so I can't sadly tell you much. I can tell you a few things, but can't show you photographs nor get you in touch with your daughter or her parents."

Addison nodded. She was so close to know about her baby that nothing mattered.

"Your daughter was adopted immediately, by a young married couple. They're surgeons, but there's nothing more I can say about them. They had been waiting to adopt for over a year."

Addison nodded. "Can I, can I at least know her name?"

Laura nodded. "Her name is Mackenzie."

_Mackenzie_, she thought. It suddenly became the most beautiful name, to her. She tried to imagine her. Did she have light reddish hair like her and Archer, or dark brown like her father? Did she have her eyes? Was she tall, talkative, shy? Did she like to read, or did she prefer sports?

Her heart ached for all those unanswerable questions, but she had never been so motivated.

"Is there something else you can tell me?"

Laura Barnes looked at the young woman. She was sad, distraught. Even after fifteen years of practicing, meeting the birth parents didn't get easier. She could sense their pain, and though there wasn't always something she could do to help them, she did her best.

"It's been eleven years, so there is no reason for me to be in contact with them. But I can assure you they are great people. Every year they give our agency a very generous check so that we do our job better and help more families. I am more than sure that they are good models for your daughter, and I have all reasons to believe she is being raised happily and she has all that she needs."

Addison nodded, swallowing to push back tears. "I, I have one last question. Do they live here? I mean, here in Connecticut? Or are they from somewhere else?"

Laura took off her glasses, and she once again looked at Addison intensely. "I'm afraid I can't answer, I'm sorry. I can't give you any information that would help you find them, since this is a closed adoption."

Addison nodded tearfully. "I thought so. Look, I don't want to look for them. It's just that I finally had the courage to allow myself to think about her, and... it's overwhelming. I'm sorry, I'm breaking down. I'll leave. Thank you for answering me, I'll never thank you enough. Goodbye."

She flew out of the door, eager to breathe the outside air. Once out, she sat on a bench, trying to calm down. When she did, after a few minutes, she stood up to walk to the nearby park. There was a small artificial lake that always relaxed her.

She thought about what she had learned about her daughter. Her name was Mackenzie, her adoptive parents were surgeons and they probably earned a lot of money if they gave the agency a 'very generous check' every year.

She was glad that they were surgeons, because she knew their world and it would be – maybe – easier to track them down. She didn't realize she wanted to look for them until she said she didn't – and now it was the only thing on her mind.

Once back home – she was staying at her parents' for the weekend – she took her laptop and typed 'famous surgeon adoptive daughter Mackenzie'.

It barely was something, but it wasn't nothing. She tried and tried, until a few pieces of the unknown puzzle started to become concrete.


	4. Seattle Is Calling Me Home

**All The Things You Said**

**Chapter Four**

**-Seattle Is Calling Me Home-**

**A/N: Merry Christmas, people! I hope you're having a very nice winter break! I probably won't update next week, because I won't be home. In the meanwhile, enjoy this fourth chapter!**

"Are you sure about this?" Archer asked his sister as they waited at the airport.

"I'll fly there, befriend her parents, make sure she's the happiest girl on earth and then, when it's time to renew the contract, I'll leave." she answered, nodding firmly.

Archer sighed. "If you're sure about it, Addison..." he didn't like the idea one bit. He was sure Addison wouldn't be able to leave Seattle after seeing Mackenzie, and it would all backfire on her. If his sister ended up deciding to tell her daughter who she was, things could get pretty bad.

"Don't worry, Archie." Addison smiled softly. "I can handle it."

Though Archer wasn't convinced, he nodded. "So, your flight's taking off in less than an hour."

"I should go. I'll call you when I land."

"Okay. But you should know I don't like the idea of you sleeping in a hotel."

"I rented an apartment." Addison confessed.

"_What?_ Addison!"

"What's the problem, Archer? You said you don't like the idea of me staying at a hotel, and I don't like it either. I'm going to work in that hospital for at least six months,-"

"I _knew_ you weren't sure about it."

"What?"

"Addison, I'm supporting you here, believe me I am, but you cannot go there and stay for 'at least' six months. It's a six-month contract and you _can't_ renew it."

Addison put her hand on his arm to calm him. "Okay. Okay. Archie, you're right. I'll stay for six months and that's it. I just want to see her once. I'll be back on the east coast soon."

Archer nodded. "Go, or you're gonna miss your flight. You'll call me tonight once you're settled."

"Of course." Addison took her suitcase. The rest of her stuff would arrive within the next week. "Bye, Archie. I'll talk to you later."

With one last wave to her brother, Addison walked away, ready to get on the plane but at the same time really nervous. She was scared of doing something wrong, like being too intrusive with the Shepherds, and make them understand she was their daughter's biological mother. Shepherd, that was Mackenzie's last name. She liked it. In the past weeks, before calling Dr Webber, Chief of staff at Seattle Grace Hospital, to talk him into hiring her, she had done a lot of researches about the two surgeons. Derek was from Connecticut, like her. He studied in New York, and specialized in neurosurgery. Three of his four sisters were physicians as well. Meredith was from Seattle, but grew up in Boston and attended medical school there. She specialized in general surgery. Addison didn't know when they had moved to Seattle, but she was sure they had worked both in Connecticut and in New York. Had they stayed on the east coast, they could have been her colleagues.

On the plane, Addison allowed herself to think about Mackenzie. For over a decade she had held her thoughts back, but now picturing the eleven-year-old in her head wasn't nearly as painful as she had expected it to be, probably due to the fact that she was, after all, going to see her, even if from a distance. Although there were several articles about Derek and Meredith Shepherd, Addison couldn't find anything regarding Mackenzie, and her imagination was now out of control.

On the seats in front of her there was a family, and looking at the young girl rest her head on her mother's shoulder, Addison wondered what kind of bond Mackenzie and Meredith had, and above all the relationship Mackenzie would have had with _her_.

The flight was long, but except for an hour spent reading 'Pride and Prejudice' by Jane Austen, her favorite book, she mostly let her mind wander.

When the plane landed, Addison quickly unbuckled the belt, and got off as fast as she could. After getting her luggage, she looked for an available cab. There was one, but a young man, around her age, was walking towards it as well, and he'd probably get there before her.

"Please!" she called out, walking as fast as her high heels allowed her to.

The man stopped, and turned to look at her.

"I'm sorry," she said, "I really need to get downtown fast. My realtor is waiting for me. Please."

"Where do you need to go?"

Addison told him the address.

"I'm going to that part of the town as well. We can share the cab, if you want."

"Sure. No problem."

He held the door for her, and the driver started to drive.

"Does it always rain like this?" Addison asked him, looking out of the car window.

"Most of the time. I'm from the south. It was a pretty big change. It took me a year to get used to it."

"Wow." she mumbled. She wasn't a fan of rainy weather.

"So you're moving here?"

"Oh, no. I'm here for work, for six months. Then I'll go back to New York." she answered, though a growing part of her hoped to stay near her daughter forever.

"You're a New Yorker, uh?"

"Nope. I'm from Hartford, Connecticut. But I work in New York, and I studied there. What about you?"

"I was born and raised in Alabama. I travel a lot for work. I've lived in New York, Los Angeles and even Japan before Seattle."

"Wow, Japan. How is it?"

He shrugged. "I liked it, but I prefer America."

"We're here, ma'am." the driver said.

"Sure. Thank you." she handed him some money. "Keep the change. Well, it was nice sharing this ride with you,..."

"Chris."

She nodded. "I'm Addison. Sorry, I should have introduced myself earlier. Well, uhm, I need to go, as I said I'm in a hurry. Goodbye."

"Goodbye, Addison. It was nice meeting you."

Addison walked along the sidewalk, approaching her realtor who was in front of a big building.

"Hello." she said hesitantly. "Are you Mr Fallon? I'm Addison Montgomery."

The man nodded. He was in his sixties, or maybe it were his gray mustaches and fat belly that made him look older than he was.

"Follow me, Ms Montgomery."

The apartment she rented was on the fourth floor. Glancing at the stairs, she found them a little unwelcoming, but Mr Fallon entered the elevator, that was nicer.

"This is it." he said, turning the keys to unlock the door.

Addison looked around. It wasn't big, but it perfectly worked for her, who would be living there by herself.

"Is it okay?" Mr Fallon asked her.

Addison thought it was a little better in the photos of the site, but she didn't say so. She was satisfied anyway.

She nodded. "It's alright. Thank you."

He took some papers out of his briefcase. "Sign here." he instructed.

Addison quickly read them and then signed.

"Here are your keys, Ms Montgomery. You can call me for anything you may need."

"Thank you, Mr Fallon."

"Welcome to Seattle!" he told her as he left, leaving her in her new home.

Locking the door, Addison sighed. She turned on the lights; the sky was getting darker.

Drugging her luggage to her bedroom, she dialed Archer's phone number, knowing he was waiting for her to call."

"Hey, sis." he greeted her. "How was your flight?"

"Everything's okay, Archie. I got to my apartment a few minutes ago."

"How is it?"

"It's nice." she answered, looking out of the window. "I can see the Space Needle from my room."

"Wow! Well, uhm, Bizzy came to see me. She wants to talk to you."

Addison was doubly surprised by that statement. Her mother went to New York to see Archer? She had never bothered before, for neither one of them.

"Adi?"

Addison remained speechless hearing that whisper. It was a soft three-letter word that broke a wall, bringing to the surface the long hidden feelings of the two women. Addison could only recall Bizzy calling her Adi in one occasion, when she was five years old and she was told her grandmother had died. It had never happened again.

"Mom?"

"How are you, kitten? Have you already met them?"

Addison thought that outrageous nickname didn't sound so bad coming from Bizzy. "No, I'll go to the hospital in the morning. I'm, I'm okay, Mom."

Addison surprised herself saying it again. It was a word she had always wanted to use growing up, but she never thought it'd flow out of her mouth so easily. "I'm nervous and excited at the same time, but I don't want to think about it too much tonight. I want to sleep well. I'll call you as soon as I see them tomorrow."

Bizzy nodded. "Addison. I wanted you to know that I'm sorry for all the things I ever said to you."


	5. Hello

**All The Things You Said**

**Chapter Five**

**-Hello-**

Addison walked into Seattle Grace Hospital in a mixture of trepidation and anxiety. She looked around, taking in the white walls and blue scrubs. She was welcomed by disinfectant smell and frenetic doctors that were running everywhere. Addison assumed there had been a big car crush or something with the same catastrophic consequences.

She approached a nurse who was scanning a patient's chart with her eyes.

"Excuse me," she said. "I'm Dr. Montgomery, this is supposed to be my first day here. I was told to go to Chief Webber's office."

"He's the man over there." the young woman pointed at him.

"Thank you."

Addison walked towards the man. Actually, there was another male doctor with him, but Addison figured Webber would be the older one.

"Dr. Webber?" she asked a little shyly. "I'm Dr. Addison Montgomery, we talked on the phone."

The man turned to his right to look at her. He seemed tired and worried. "Of course. I'm deeply sorry, Dr. Montgomery, but I don't have the time to show you around or explain to you how it works here. There's been a huge car crush on the highway, and a lot of people are coming in. I was actually hoping you'd arrive soon, though, because Dr. Shepherd needs your help with his patient."

If Addison was shocked hearing she would work with one of the Shepherds right away – and she was – she didn't show it.

"He's just booked an OR to operate a pregnant woman. _Shelley_!" he said loudly, motioning to an intern to walk over. "This is Dr. Montgomery, neonatal surgery. Please show her where OR three is and tell Dr. Shepherd I'm sending her in there to help him."

Him. Webber had said him, so it meant she was about to work with Mackenzie's adoptive father, Addison thought. She tried to ignore her heart, racing in her chest. She took a few deep breaths as she followed the intern through the hospital. She didn't want to meet them that way. She was thinking about approaching them in the cafeteria to introduce herself as the new doctor, or something like that. She tried to concentrated on where they were going, instead. She looked at the hallways, the elevator, the stairs, she located the board. She found herself liking the hospital a lot, despite the agitation she was feeling and the chaos she was seeing.

"Here we are." the intern said in his slightly nasal voice.

"Thank you." Addison remembered to say.

She quickly put on some scrubs, gloves and a mask, and scrubbed in, breathing deeply once again.

"Dr. Shepherd?" she asked, in her most professional and steady tone of voice. "Addison Montgomery. I just got here from New York, I'm a neonatal surgeon. Dr. Webber thought you might need my help."

The man looked up briefly from the patient, then continued his work. "The mother is stable right now, but her blood pressure is low and the baby is having problems breathing. I'll be done soon with the mom if it goes smoothly, but I'm not sure the baby can handle it."

"Don't you have other neonatal surgeons?"

"There are patients of higher priority."

"Okay." Addison brushed away panic, and sat on the stool, looking at the monitor. "We need to get this baby out of her."

"She can't lose any more blood."

Addison thought for a moment, though she knew she had to act fast. "Endoscopy. It's not invasive, and it will make me understand what's causing the baby's heart and lungs to collapse."

Derek looked at her again, and nodded slightly.

"It's his heart." Addison informed them. "I need to repair his artery."

Derek sighed defeated, knowing she would have to perform a c-section in order to do that kind of operation.

"Do it. Save the baby. We always save the baby." for a moment, he was tempted to throw away all his surgical instruments, but told himself that not everything was lost, there was still hope, he could still try to save the mother.

"We need other two units of blood at least, AB, fast!" he ordered, looking at Addison again, intrigued by her moves and ability to stay calm. He always ended up being too involved with what he was doing.

The mother's blood pressure lowered in the matter of a mere second, her heartbeat accelerated and then suddenly stopped, and the prolonged_ 'bip' _of the monitor was followed by Derek's angry expletive.

"Addison, hurry up, dammit!" he said hoarsely, calling her by her first name because he couldn't remember her last.

"Almost, almost...done!"

"Charge to 200!"

The baby didn't cry. Addison, with another young doctor and two nurses, started the procedure that would repair his heart.

"We need to intubate him, doctor."

"I know. I know, dammit! Size 0, now!"

"I did it. I did it." said Derek, allowing himself to breathe. "She's stable again."

Addison didn't look at him until the baby was stable, too, and when their eyes met they shared a smile.

An hour later, they were both scrubbing out of surgery, complimenting each other and laughing, now that the panic and fear of losing their patients was gone.

Addison watched as Derek slipped his wedding band on, and she smiled.

"You're married, Dr. Shepherd?"

"I am. And you can call me Derek, if you want. We just saved two people together, I think we can skip the formalities, don't you?"

"I agree. In this case, you can call me Addison, though you already did."

It was Derek's turn to smile brightly. "I didn't catch your last name."

"It's Montgomery, and don't worry, I was just teasing."

Derek took out his cellphone, read his wife's message, typed a quick corny answer and then glanced at the time. "It's lunch time. We haven't been paged for any emergency yet, so I say let's go grab something to eat. You in?"

"You can bet on it. I skipped breakfast this morning. I was a little anxious about my first day here. I honestly wouldn't have thought it would be so chaotic."

"Welcome to Seattle Grace. So, what brings you here?" he asked her as they walked in the cafeteria together.

"I needed a change of scenery." she answered. "But I only have a six-month contract for now. If I like it and Chief Webber still wants me here, I might renew it then."

"Well, we certainly are a good team. I'm sure you'll like the other doctors as well, my friends at least. See that guy over there? That's Mark, my best friend from childhood. He's a plastic surgeon, kind of the best in his field. The three women at his table are Callie Torres, ortho, Teddy Altman, cardio, and Lexie Grey, plastics as well. She's my sister-in-law, Meredith's sister."

"So your wife's name is Meredith?" Addison was surprised by the ease she felt in talking with Derek about personal things. Maybe it was because she already knew things about him, but anyway he seemed to enjoy the conversation as well, regardless of its personal topic.

"It is." Derek nodded. "We've been married for almost fifteen years. What about you? Are you married?"

Addison shook her head. "No, I'm not. I'm concentrating on my career, for the moment. I think it's for the best."

"Ah, that's why, you're single for your own choice. I'm sure if you wanted, you could have any man of this planet."

Flattered, Addison blushed. She wasn't used to it, but she liked it. She was tempted to bring back the topic to Derek's marriage, because she desperately wanted to ask if he had any children, and possibly get some information about Mackenzie, but she thought it would sound weird, and it wasn't appropriate.

Instead, she sipped her water, avoiding Derek's eyes.

"I'm sorry if that was out of line." he apologized, taking her silence as embarrassment.

"No, no, don't think about it. I'm just, you know, thinking. I still need to talk to Webber, before anything else. There are probably a lot of things he has to tell me."

"I can walk you to his office, after lunch, if you want." he offered.

"Of course. Thank you. I'd rather not get lost."

Derek smiled at her beauty and naturalness, forgetting for a moment that he was supposed to meet Meredith and Mackenzie in the lobby in less than two hours, and not seeing that Mark's eyes were skeptically fixed on him.

_**x**_

Later that day, Addison was changing out of her scrubs, more than ready to go back to her apartment and have a nice bath. As a first day, it had certainly been long and challenging, but she had managed with Derek's help. She bit her lip, knowing that she wasn't supposed to _really_ befriend him, but just to _fake it_, but at the same time conscious that she liked him as a person nonetheless, and that they could easily bond. They actually already had.

As she walked towards the entrance of the hospital, thinking about what she would tell Bizzy and Archer once home, she saw Derek again, kissing a woman's cheek. _Meredith's_. Near them, rolling her eyes with a smile, stood a thin freckled-face girl than made Addison's heartbeat accelerate.

"Mackenzie." she whispered to herself, staring, hoping no one noticed her there.

Mackenzie was short, thin, and beautiful. She had light brown hair that sometimes looked plain brown, other times looked blondish and others looked even reddish. It was wavy, but not too much, and it reached the middle of her back. She had very fair skin, like Addison's, and though she couldn't see her eyes very well they seemed brown. She had freckles, not too many but enough to be her characteristic feature.

Addison thought that she was the most perfect creature she had ever seen in her life, and she was hers. Her blood and flesh, and baby, her light in the dark. Her daughter.


	6. Racing Hearts

**All The Things You Said**

**Chapter Six**

**-Racing Hearts-**

Addison slept incredibly well that night, like she hadn't done in years, and she woke up feeling rested and peaceful.

She hadn't called Bizzy nor Archer the night before, so she left a message on her mother's voice-mail and phoned her brother, knowing he was awake as well.

_"Hey, Addie! How's Seattle?"_

"I haven't seen much of it yet, but so far so good, Archie."

_"The hospital?"_

"My first day went pretty smoothly. I saved a baby."

_"Of course you did."_ Addison understood from his voice that he was smiling.

_"So..."_

"I worked with Derek, her father. He seems a good person. I also saw Meredith, but I didn't talk to her. And I saw Mackenzie..."

_"You did?"_

"She's so beautiful, Archie, you can't even imagine."

_"Who does she resemble?"_

"I think she looks a little like me." Addison smiled proudly. "But she probably has Fabian's eyes, they seemed dark but I didn't rally see them."

_"Fabian?"_ Archer asked, despite the desire to hear more about his niece.

"Her father."

_"You never said his name."_

"Does it matter?" Addison asked, as bittersweet memories invested her.

Archer thought about it. _"No. Come on, tell me more about her."_

"She has freckles, like me when I was a kid. Her hair is brown slash reddish slash blondish."

Archer laughed. _"What is she, a chameleon?"_

"I don't know, it looked that way to me!"

Archer laughed again, then cleared his throat. _"Well, what's your plan now?"_

"You know what the plan is, Archie. I'm not going to do anything. I'll keep working with Mackenzie's parents, and if I get the chance to talk to her I gladly will, but I can't tell her who I am. I can't tell anybody."

_"I know, I wasn't saying you should. I was just making sure you hadn't changed your mind."_

"I haven't."

_"Good. Look, I gotta go now. Call me later?"_

"Sure. Bye, Archie."

After hanging up, Addison drank another coffee and let herself out of the building. Once at Seattle Grace Hospital, she felt a little lost. She didn't know anyone yet, and she wasn't sure about what she had to do. Shrugging, she thought it surely worked like Mount Sinai, and approached the nurses' station to look for her only patients' charts, the woman and baby from the day before, partly wishing to see her Chief in the nearby.

"Good morning!" someone said cheerfully, and turning around Addison met her daughter's adoptive father's blue eyes.

"Oh, good morning, Dr. Shepherd... Derek." she figured that since she had to get close to him in order to find out if Mackenzie was happy, she might as well use his first name. Besides, the previous day he had said she could call him Derek.

"So, how was your second night in the Emerald City?"

"Pretty boring, you know. I meant to unpack some of my stuff, but I ended up watching some crappy tv show, eating cereals from the box."

"It sounds pretty lame, actually. If you'd like to do something nicer tonight, I'll be going to the pub across the street with my wife and our friends. It's Mark's birthday tomorrow – do you remember Mark from the cafeteria? – but we're all working tomorrow night so we're celebrating later. I think you'd like to meet them all."

For some reason, Derek knew his friends would all like Addison, and that she would fit in perfectly in their group. She was interesting, cultured and funny, from what he had gathered the day before, and he already considered her a friend, somehow. Plus, she was an amazing doctor, thing that totally was in her favor.

"I don't know, I don't want to intrude..."

"You won't, don't worry. Everyone wants to meet you, actually. They heard about your skills, and Yang, my wife's 'person', as they call themselves, is a fan of your father's."

Addison rolled her eyes. "Obviously. Well, Derek, I'll think about it." she told him, though she knew she'd go. "Now, if I'm not wrong, we have rounds to do."

_**x**_

Addison hoped she'd be able to go home and change clothes before joining Derek and his friends at Joe's, that apparently was the name of the bar, but her surgery lasted longer than she had thought, and she barely had the time to take off her blood-strained scrubs.

Derek was waiting near the elevator with two other women. He smiled at her when she approached them. "Hey, Addison. These are Meredith, my wife, and Lexie, my sister-in-law. And girls, this is Addison Montgomery, our new neonatal surgeon."

"Nice to meet you." Addison shook hands with Meredith and Lexie, feeling a little awkward but at the same time unable to take her eyes off of them. They were Mackenzie's mom and aunt, after all.

"The others are waiting for us at Joe's." Derek explained. "We should get going."

"Of course. Are you sure they're okay with me coming?" she asked again. She didn't exactly feel comfortable when she met new people. With Derek it was different. They had broken the ice immediately.

"Don't worry, Addison." Meredith answered for her husband. "You'll have to meet them anyway, sooner or later, especially Arizona Robbins. She's a pediatric surgeon."

"Alright. Yeah, that's right." she smiled weakly at the other woman, that she wanted to like badly, but that felt like an enemy.

"There they are, Addison!" Derek pointed at a table in the corner of the room. "Guys, this is Addison."

"You're Dr. Montgomery, right?" a blonde woman asked. "Teddy Altman, cardio."

"I am indeed. Nice to meet you."

"And these are Mark, Callie, Arizona and Cristina." Derek introduced the others.

Addison nodded and smiled brightly.

Mark took a free chair from another chair for her. "Welcome to Seattle. Where are you from?"

"Thank you. I'm from Hartford, Connecticut, but I moved here from New York."

"I used to live there too." Mark said. "I met Derek and Meredith there."

"Oh." Addison smiled again, glancing at Derek.

The night went smoothly. Addison enjoyed the company, and found herself easily slipping in the conversations.

It was about midnight when she finally gathered the courage to ask what had been on her mind all along.

"So, Meredith, Derek told me you two have been married for almost fifteen years. That's quite a long time. You're such a good couple. It looks that way to me, anyway."

"We are." Derek confirmed, kissing Meredith softly.

"Do you have any children?" Addison asked again, hoping they wouldn't find her a meddler.

"Yes, a daughter. She's eleven years old. Our pride and joy. Her name is Mackenzie."

Hadn't she been in a crowded place, Addison would have probably burst into tears or fainted hearing the name come from Meredith's lips. Meredith, who was her daughter's mother. Meredith, who had been nice to her all night. Meredith, who somehow she thought of as a rival.

Then, to Addison's surprise, Meredith reached for her purse and showed her a pictured. She took it with shaky hands, staring at it, captured. As she had seen the previous night, her daughter had shimmering hair, her father's eyes and the prettiest smile in the world.

**A/N: sorry for the slight delay, I honestly don't have time to do anything these days, except for weekends. I realize this sounds like a pretty boring and useless chapter, but I need to make them become friends before anything else, so keep reading, the good stuff is coming up in a while!**


	7. Viewfinders And Ferry-Boats

**All The Things You Said**

**Chapter Seven**

**-Viewfinders And Ferry-Boats**

It was Addison's first day off, and she decided to spend it visiting Seattle.

When she woke up, she lazily got dressed, trying to stay casual, and headed off to Starbucks. She hadn't had breakfast out in a while, and Starbucks was her very favorite place. Except fancy shops, of course.

She had been sitting for a while, letting her thoughts cling to her image of Mackenzie and her unknown life, and all the things Addison wanted for her.

She let out a yelp when she felt a hand on her shoulder, almost spitting her coffee.

Derek smiled at her, sitting on the other chair. "Sorry I scared you. I called your name but you didn't hear me, what were you thinking about?"

"Oh, nothing." Addison blushed slightly. "I was just trying to figure out what to do today. It's my day off."

"It's mine too!" Derek told her, smiling at the coincidence. "I had to stop by at the bank, I was walking by and I saw you in here. If you want, I can show you around."

"I'd like that, but I don't want to steal you away. I'm sure you have better things to do."

"No, not really. Meredith is working and our daughter has school, and she's going to a friend's house after. I'm all yours. There are a few things in Seattle that you can't miss."

"Alright." Addison stood up, grabbed her purse and looked at Derek with a smile. Part of her knew it was wrong to be with him without Meredith, but she needed to get close to at least one of them, and she only had six months to do it. And she really liked Derek, they already considered themselves friends.

"Anything in particular you would like to see?" Derek asked her as he held the door for her.

"Viewfinders."

"What? Viewfinders?" Derek laughed.

"I love them. I look for them in any place I visit."

"Ooookay. Well, there are some on the roof of the hospital, but I recommend the Space Needle."

"It sounds good to me."

They walked; it was a nice day, quite warm, and Addison and Derek talked about medical school and the hospital for a while, exchanging opinions and experiences.

"I read that you operated on a woman who was expecting quintuplets, two of which were conjoined. It's impressive, that you separated them. You're the youngest surgeon that's done that."

"My better surgery so far. Thank you for the compliment, but I wasn't alone, you know. There were plenty of other doctors."

"It's still impressive."

"Thank you. I've heard great things about you, too."

Derek laughed. "I bet you did. But enough about work. There is the Space Needle. I promise you'll like it."

"It's beautiful."

"It is." Derek nodded in agreement.

Addison didn't only like it, she loved it. She loved the view, the feelings it gave her, the breeze on her face, and she loved Derek's presence near her.

It was incredible how fast and easily they had bonded.

"Where to, now?" Derek asked, breaking the relaxing silence that had been surrounding them for a while, bringing them closer.

"Take me to your favorite place." Addison said simply.

Derek grinned. "Oh, that's easy."

He grabbed her hand; the unexpected touch surprised Addison, but she relaxed immediately in his firm and warm grip; the bond between her and Derek, growing in strength and intensity, absorbed them in a soft bubble, and all the reasons Addison kept repeating in her head to not let herself go disappeared, and she let herself go.

"Where are you taking me?"

"You'll see. Just wait, it's amazing... you're gonna love it."

"Is it far?"

"Twenty minutes. Need me to slow down? Those heels are probably killing you. I never understood why women are so masochist."

"I can assure you I'm not masochist, and my heels are very comfortable, thank you very much." she told him, though he was walking pretty fast, dragging her with him through the crowd.

Derek slackened his pace, and they shared a genuine smile.

"I'll offer you something to drink, when we get there."

They stayed silent, enjoying the sun and the familiar noises of Seattle.

"It's here, right here."

"We're at the port." Addison said in surprise, looking at Derek as their hands slowly separated.

"Exactly." Derek took a few steps forward, letting out a content sigh. "I love ferry-boats. But the actual harbor is too chaotic in the morning, so I come here. I can watch ferry-boats, alone with my thoughts. Or with you, in this case."

Addison sat on a wooden bench, and Derek did the same.

"It's almost lunch time, are you hungry? There's a deli behind us, I can get us something to eat...and some wine."

"Why not." Addison smiled, brushing her hair with her fingers, trying to fight the wind.

"Red or white?"

"Red. That's what wine is to me."

"I completely agree with you, Monty."

"Hey! What did you just call me, Shepherd?"

Addison tried to maker her voice sound scary, which failed, and Derek's laughter increased. "Somehow, I just happened to think it would have pissed you off."

"Very funny." Addison commented. "Monty is the worst nickname you can come up with for me. Seriously, there are a lot of nice ones. My brother calls me Addie, for example, it's plain but nice. Or you can call me Ads, or Add or any other nickname that you can come up with that sounds like Addison, because I like my name but see, I really hate Monty, always have and always will."

"I'll call you that when I want to make you crazy, then."

Addison glared at him, and Derek held back another laughter. "You can call me McDreamy, in that case." he added, as seriously as he could. "They gave me that nickname when I first moved to Seattle, it all started with Cristina Yang. I hate it as much as you hate Monty."

"I don't think that's even possible, but I'll take the offer. You don't look all that dreamy, by the way."

"I think I do. My wife says so all the time."

"Duh, she's your wife, Derek."

They laughed together once again, then Derek stood up to get them both something to eat. He came back with chicken wigs, fries, red wine and water, and promised Addison a chocolate doughnut later if she felt like it.

"You have some sauce here." Derek told her about fifteen minutes later, and her smile faded when he touched her cheek.

It was wrong, but it felt right. Or maybe it felt wrong, but it was right, that she didn't know, and wasn't about to figure out.

She knew it would happen before it did, she probably knew it before he even decide he'd kiss her. But he did, he kissed her, and she let him eagerly, suddenly she realized she had been waiting for it for hours, since they left Space Needle at least. It was soft, tender, right, wrong, fast, slow. Beautiful. Moving, exciting. Passion-full. Rush-less. Thoughtless but thought of. It was felt, so much, by the two of them, with an intensity and enchantment that overcame the waves of the ocean a few steps from them.

Then Mackenzie made her way in Addison's mind, who pulled away with a start, and the soft bubble burst as quickly as it had created a few hours earlier.

"Meredith." Addison whispered, letting go of Derek, forcing their bodies apart.

"Meredith." he repeated, louder, as if he needed to hear her name clearly to be certain of her existence.

Addison stood up, buried her face in the palms of her hands for a second, and the she disappeared, faster than a flash.

**A/N: People, I'm deeply sorry about the disappointing length of the chapter, but I had a few problems writing it. I honestly only like the last two paragraphs. I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless, and I'll try to update sooner the next time!**


	8. Beautiful

**All The Things You Said**

**Chapter Eight**

**-Beautiful-**

Though she only woke up a few minutes before, Addison felt really tired. The kiss she shared with Derek the day before had confused her to the point that she had trouble sleeping. All night long she had asked herself what it meant, if it meant something at all, if Derek told Meredith, and most of all she wondered if it would happen again. After that last unanswered question, Addison felt even more confused, because she realized part of her wanted Derek to smile at her brightly and give her another kiss, a lot of other kisses.

She hadn't thought of that possibility when she decided to go to Seattle. Her plan was about Mackenzie, only her, and no one else. She didn't think she'd like her adoptive parents, of whom she was jealous. She only meant to get close to them, maybe fake some kind of friendship, and then leave, but the friendship she had with Derek wasn't fake at all, and that kiss proved that there was a bond, stronger than Addison needed it to be.

After her restless night, as she drank her coffee, she asked herself one last question: did she have a crush on Derek? And, to her astonishment and frustration, the answer was yes.

She almost called the hospital to say she wouldn't go in, but if Michael and Bizzy had taught her something at all when she was growing up, that thing was that Montogmerys aren't cowards, that they face their problems and take their own responsibilities. So, though she was embarrassed and didn't feel like seeing Derek, and was scared of finding out whether Meredith knew about the kiss or not, and though there were too many thoughts for her to give her best with patients, she locked her apartment and drove to Seattle Grace Hospital, hoping she'd be allowed to go home soon.

While driving, she came up with a plan, that consisted in avoiding Derek and Meredith as much as was possible, at least for a few days until she figured out how to act around them. Mackenzie could wait for a couple of days.

Of course, people plan, and God laughs, because as soon as Addison walked through the doors she saw Derek waiting for the elevator. He was turning his back on her, so he didn't know she was there, which was good. She had a great chance of walking past him without him noticing her. But Derek wasn't alone, he was talking to a young girl that made Addison's heart stop for a second. Mackenzie. Addison had never been so close to her daughter before, excluding when she gave birth to her, but she hadn't looked at her that time, so it didn't count. Now Mackenzie was there, only ten steps away from her, and she could even hear her voice.

She hesitated.

She hesitated, and Derek glanced in her direction for some unknown reason, and he saw her, and Addison could swear she saw him blush. She blushed, too, but couldn't look away because Mackenzie was there and she didn't want to miss anything more about her life, she had eleven years to make up for.

Derek said something to Mackenzie, and she turned around as well, and Addison felt herself almost faint. Derek and Mackenzie were walking towards her.

"Dr Montgomery, good morning. This is my daughter Mackenzie. Sweetie, this is Addison Montgomery, our new neonatal surgeon."

"Hello, Mackenzie." Addison managed to say, though she didn't know how those two words had been able to flow out of her dry mouth.

"Hello. Nice to meet you." Mackenzie offered her hand to shake, and Addison did the same, trying to hide her feelings behind a smile.

"I worked with your dad on my first day here, last week. He is an amazing surgeon."

Mackenzie looked at her father with pride. "I know. I love to come here to the hospital and watch him with his patients. When I was little my mom used to take me to the gallery and let me watch him operate, but Richard didn't really agree. It was super-awesome though."

Derek smiled. "Richard would be Webber." he explained. "And you forgot to mention that you still sneak up to the gallery to watch me and mom, Macks."

The eleven-year-old giggled, and Addison laughed genuinely, taking in the new information happily.

Addison wanted to say something, ask everything, but she was stopped by Derek's presence that brought the kiss back to her mind.

Derek cleared his throat. "I have surgery, I need to go. Mackenzie, I want you to go somewhere to do your homework, or in the attendings lounge or something like that, no wandering off. Okay?"

"Yes, Dad, I know the rules." Mackenzie giggled. "Bye, Dr Montgomery. Have a nice day."

Addison smiled, feeling happy and sad at the same time. For the first time, she wished Mackenzie knew she was her mom.

"Bye, Addison." Derek said awkwardly, before following another doctor into the elevator.

Addison shook herself from her thoughts, and tried to think straight. What did she have to do? After breathing in and out a few times, she walked to the nurses station to look through her patients' charts.

And even if Derek soon left her mind, Mackenzie was still there, beautiful.

_**x**_

It was two pm, and finally Addison had time to take a break. She got something to eat and drink from the vending machine, and hid in an empty on-call room, still in attempt to avoid Derek and Meredith. It had worked so far.

She was half-way through her sandwich and had just started to read an article about medical researches, when the door opened and she found herself staring at Derek. She sighed, staring at him.

"Oh, sorry, I thought no one would be in here." he apologized, and turned around to leave. Then he turned around towards her again, and closed the door behind his back. "Are you avoiding me?"

"Yes." Addison answered him bluntly.

"Oh. Yeah, well, I thought so. I was avoiding you as well."

"Yet here you are. I think you should go."

Derek nodded, but didn't move. "I haven't told Meredith."

"Good. Because it didn't happen, so there's nothing to tell anymore. Okay?"

"Of course. Nothing happened." he agreed, but they both knew it didn't correspond to how they felt.

"Derek, go."

"I'll go. But one last thing." he stopped, and Addison nodded to let him know he could go on. "If nothing happened, I want us to act like nothing happened. Which means we don't get to be embarrassed and to avoid each other."

"Got it. Now go, I'm trying to rest before my surgery."

Derek sighed. "Have a nice day." and those four short words brought Addison to think about Mackenzie once again.

Only that time it wasn't only Mackenzie, but her father as well. Her biological father. She was thinking about him for many reasons, and though she had tried to block him out of her mind for hours, it wasn't working anymore. Fabian was in her thoughts. First of all, Fabian used to tell her 'have a nice day' every time they said goodbye after a day together. Be it 'have a nice day, morning or night', he always said it and she liked it. The other reason why Addison was thinking about him was linked to Derek, which made her slightly angry with herself. She wasn't sure she really loved Fabian, but she liked him a lot, and would spend her free time with him, because he was nice and caring and they were good together. And Addison hadn't allowed herself to like another man for a long time, because she made herself focus on other things. First it was forgetting Mackenzie and Fabian, then forgiving her parents, than succeeding as a medical student, as an intern, as a resident. And now, now that she had actually succeeded in all her goals, and she lowered her guard, she liked Derek. And Derek reminded her of Fabian, because he was nice and caring and they were good together. And Derek and Fabian made her think about Mackenzie, and Mackenzie made her think about Derek and Fabian. And it was a vicious cycle and she was hurting inside, because those were painful memories. Only Mackenzie made her feel good, truly good and at peace.

Suddenly, Addison felt suffocating. All the things she was thinking about were overwhelming, and she needed to slow down for a little bit. She stood up, probably too fast, because she felt dizzy. And that room was too little and too dark and too silent, and she could only hear her own damn thoughts. So she opened the door. And Derek was there, on the other side, with two cups of coffees. He handed one to her, and she took it with no words.

Derek glanced around, but only a nurse was in the nearby and if he talked in a low voice, really really, she wouldn't hear him.

"I think I have a crush on you."


	9. Whenever I Think About You

**All The Things You Said**

**Chapter Nine**

**-Whenever I Think About You-**

Derek smiled brightly, impatiently waiting for his wife to wake up. It was their fifteenth anniversary and he had a special night planned for her. He lowered his face and placed a lot of little kisses on Meredith's cheek. He sensed her smile as she woke up, and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her closer as she laughed.

"Good morning." he said, biting her lobe. "Happy anniversary, Mer."

Meredith turned around in order to look at him. She pressed her thumb on his cheek, eying his perfect traits. "Happy fifteenth anniversary, Derek."

Derek kissed her again, on her lips this time. "It's incredible how much I still love you after all this time, Mrs Shepherd." he gasped then, after their kiss ended and he cold catch his breath.

"There's nothing strange about it... in fact, I'm completely sure I love you more."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah." Meredith said, unable to keep her eyes off of him. She loved him so much.

Derek couldn't hold back a huge smile seeing Meredith's dreamy look. As he observed her, so lost in his eyes, he thought that he was lucky. He and Meredith had been through a lot, especially in the first years of their marriage when they were told they couldn't have biological children, but they had been able to overcome every difficulty with their love, and now they had a great job, a lot of friends and the most perfect little girl in the world, the best gift they could have asked for. Derek knew Mackenzie wasn't little anymore, she was eleven and she would be a teenager way too soon, but to him she was still his little girl, and she always would be. Mackenzie was everything to him, she made him laugh when he was upset, she made him feel powerful, flawless. She made him a father, _her_ father.

Still looking at Meredith, he thought that she was the one that made all that possible. Without her, he would still be moping over their unsuccessful attempt to conceive, angry with the world. Meredith stayed calm and patient through the whole thing, Meredith looked information about adoption and talked him into it, Meredith talked to the right people, and Meredith told him they were going to have a daughter. After glancing at the picture on Meredith's nightstand, Derek's smile widened even more, if possible. It was a photograph of Meredith and Mackenzie that Cristina Yang took the day of Meredith's birthday the previous winter. His two girls were hugging, smiling in a way that made them look so alike. Sometimes, Derek felt perplexed when he though that Mackenzie didn't have their chromosomes. She resembled Meredith, in some ways, and strangers never assumed she was adopted. Mackenzie had Meredith's enigmatic smile, her laughter, her manners. Even Mackenzie's hair, so unique in color, usually reminded him of his wife. But not that morning. That morning, on the day of his fifteenth anniversary, after a brief glance at a photograph of his daughter, Derek's image of Mackenzie didn't overlap Meredith's, but someone else's face appeared in his mind, unexpected and shocking. For a mere second, Derek was reminded of Addison's eyes and hair, of her pale flawless skin. Then Meredith's voice brought him back to reality.

"So, I know you have something planned for tonight, you can't fool me. Please, tell me what we're going to do?" Meredith asked, lying down in his arms.

Derek blinked.

He cleared his throat, forcing a smile on his lips, that same smile that had disappeared when he realized he had Addison on his mind.

"It's a surprise."

"Oh, Derek. I'm getting old for surprises." she sighed.

Derek pecked her lips. "You'll never be too old. And you'll like it. It's nothing _too_ special, but you'll like it."

_**x**_

Though she didn't exactly mean to, Addison ended up avoiding Derek that day at work. As soon as she walked through the doors of the hospital, she was urgently paged by her interns, and had to perform two surgeries one after the other. Luckily they were both successful and not too long, but she felt exhausted. She thought she was going to have a slow day, but it began in a hectic way instead. Craving a long massage on her aching shoulders, she went in search of some water. She put the money in the vending machine, pushed the button, and her bottle of water started to fall only to get stuck between the glass and a bar of chocolate. Groaning, she weakly slammed her hand on the machine, but nothing happened.

"May I help you?"

Addison turned around quickly, startled by the voice. She thought she was alone.

"Dr Michael Lawrence, oncology." he introduced himself.

Addison shook in hand. "Addison Montgomery, neonatal surgery." she said, gazing him but trying to hide it. He had short brown hair, and he was so tall compared to her, even if she had heels, that she had to slightly tilt her head back to meet his eyes. They were dark, and beautiful. Addison smiled. "A little help is always appreciated."

"Let me see. It happened to me just the other day. All you have to do..." and he pushed the vending machine, shaking it. "Is push. Not too hard, not too gently." and Addison heard her bottle fall down.

"Thank you. I was really thirsty. You're a savior."

Michael winked at her. "You're welcome, Addison. Can I call you Addison?"

Addison laughed. "Of course."

"And can I also invite you out for dinner? Tonight for example?"

The question arrived too fast, and Addison wasn't expecting it, not even a little. "Oh..."

"I'm sorry. I've been wanting to ask you out for a few days, but I wasn't planning on shooting it out like that."

Thinking about her absurd situation with Derek, who was on her mind way too often, Addison smiled again. Maybe Michael could help her forget him... and he was way more appropriate than Mackenzie's adoptive father. "I would like to go out with you tonight."

Michael was visibly happy to hear that. "Good. I was hoping you'd say so. Can I pick you up at seven? Or maybe we should just meet outside of the hospital."

"Yeah, maybe it's better, I don't think I'll have time to go home." luckily, she had a change of clothes always in the locker room.

"All settled then. See you later, Addison."

"I'll see you later."

Addison spent the rest of the day thinking about a thousand things, like always. Her mind wandered from Mackenzie to Fabian to Bizzy, and then eventually made her think about Derek. She still hadn't figured out what was so special about him that made her dreamy, but for some reason she couldn't stop reliving their moments together. 'I have a crush on you', he had said. A crush on her. _Her_. And it really looked like she had a crush on him too, which was not in the plan. Her plan was about checking on Mackenzie from a distance, and though a superficial friendship with Meredith and Derek was acceptable, she couldn't let herself get attached to any one of them, and she knew it. It was why Archer didn't want her to go to Seattle, because he knew she'd find a reason to stay. And being Derek strongly linked to her daughter, Addison knew it would be even more difficult for her to leave. She had to make a new plan, regarding how she would leave. She knew her months in Seattle would be over before she could fully realize it, and she had to find a way to keep Derek out of her thoughts until she was completely sure that he wouldn't interfere with her plan of leaving unnoticed. She couldn't allow herself to like him as something more than a friend, and she couldn't allow him to make her like him. Then there was the fact that he was Mackenzie's father, and she didn't want to risk anything that could ruin her perfect world of happiness. Going beyond a mere friendship with Derek certainly would.

Addison felt better when she was operating. She focused on her patient, and any other thing was blocked outside of the operating room. For that reason she was glad for emergencies, and when she had some spare time she went to the gallery and watched the most complicated operations that she could find.

Seven arrived, and Addison had a slight headache. Though part of her wanted to go home and sleep, she was excited about her date. She hadn't had a date in a long time.

Michael was pleasant and they talked about nice things. He opened the door for her, he smiled at the right times, he asked what kind of music she wanted as he drove to the restaurant.

But, right after the waitress took their order, Addison absentmindedly looked towards the entrance, and saw Derek and Meredith walk in hand in hand.

_**x**_

It was a little after midnight, and Addison had just got home. It had been a long date, but nice, and she had enjoyed herself, despite Derek showing up in her mind from time to time. Thankfully, Michael was a great person, interesting and with a lot of things to say, so she actually wanted to focus on his words.

She was getting undressed for a quick shower, when her cellphone rang. Addison sighed. It was Derek. After a quick and useless debate with herself, she answered, tiredly. "Hello?"

"_I wanted to hear your voice."_

Again, Addison sighed. "Derek. Don't do this."

"_No. Listen to me. It's my freaking anniversary, and you've been on my mind all day. I don't know why, Can you tell me why? I have no explanation that makes even remotely sense. All I know is that from that kiss, you've been on my mind almost constantly. I'm married, Addison. I've never felt something for someone that wasn't my wife, after I fell in love with her. And here your are. Meredith is in the next room, sleeping, and here I am wishing she was you."_

"Don't say that! Don't you think that's a little extreme? We've known each other for how long, a month? A month and a half? We're friends. That kiss didn't mean anything and you love Meredith. You're married, you said that. I may be on your mind, but it's just a, an infatuation. It'll go away. I have a six-month contract. I'll be back in New York before you know it."

"_And in the meantime?"_ Derek asked.

"What do you mean, in the meantime?! Nothing! We're friends, and that's it. Nothing else can matter except for Meredith and Mackenzie. They are you family. How can you want to throw all those years away?"

"_I don't!"_ their voices were starting to rise, but Derek, remembering Meredith was in the other room, lowered it again. _"I don't, Addison. But I can't help how I feel. I just feel that way. I tried to block you out. I tried to say nothing happened between us. But it wasn't nothing. It __was __a kiss. One hell of a kiss. And we both know it."_

Addison sighed, but it was a different kind of sigh that time. She felt yielding now. "I want to see you too."


	10. Kiss Away Conventions

**All The Things You Said**

**Chapter Ten**

**-Kiss Away Conventions-**

The next morning, Addison woke up with the strong desire to see Derek. She didn't have to be at the hospital until eleven, but she decided to show up earlier, hoping to catch him before one of them got stuck operating.

She gave extra attention to her clothing, opting for a blue camisole and her favorite skirt. She also had new heels that matched her outfit perfectly.

She curled her hair, attentively put on some make-up, and with a big breath – she felt a little nervous – she walked to her car.

She couldn't rationally figure out where the previous night's phone-call would lead her and Derek. She could barely comprehend what she was feeling, all she really knew was that she felt like a dreamy teenager around Derek, and that her thoughts were rarely focused on something or someone else – except for Mackenzie.

She was scared – and the bad thing was that her fear derived from the possibility that nothing could happen with Derek rather than the guilt she felt thinking about Meredith and Mackenzie.

When Addison arrived at Seattle Grace Hospital she looked around for Derek, anxiously. He was talking to Mark as they drank their morning coffee. She smiled at him when he saw her. She couldn't hear what he and Mark were saying, but she imagined Derek was excusing himself, because a minute later he happily walked up to her.

"Hi."

"Good morning! How are you?"

"Is Meredith here?" Addison asked nervously, scanning the hall with her eyes.

"Not until six. She has the nights shift."

"Good." Addison nodded, relaxing a bit. "We have to talk, Derek."

Derek looked around to make sure no one was paying attention to them. "Follow me."

"Where are we going? Derek, where are you taking me?"

He didn't answer, but he secretively pulled her into a desert room, drawing the curtains.

"So," he started. "How are you?"

"Nervous, Derek!" Addison hissed.

"Okay. Okay." Derek took her hand. "Sit down. Let's talk. I'll start. I love Meredith. She's my wife, and she's been for fifteen years. We have a daughter."

At that, Addison felt her eyes sting with tears. Mackenzie was also _her_ daughter.

"But I don't know, when I'm with you... there's something, _something_ about you, that makes me go mad. It's like – as if you were cocaine and I'm inhaling you."

Addison frowned. "Did you compare me to a _drug_?"

Derek smiled. "I'm sorry. That's how I feel about you. You're inebriating."

"I shouldn't be, not for a married man. There's nothing right about this."

"Except there is! I thought about all night long, I couldn't sleep. Addison, this is irrational, what we feel. And in the world of irrationality we can do everything. Everything is right, amazing."

Addison had a thousand other questions, mostly about Meredith and Mackenzie, and she wanted to tell him that it just didn't make any sense, but for once she decided to listen to her heart and push aside her worries.

So she let Derek kiss her again. The power of the kiss was so big that conventions and morality all disappeared.

* * *

Addison and Derek stared at each other all day, sharing a conspiratorial smile as soon as their eyes met and they were reminded of the kisses of that morning.

Addison tried hard to focus on her patients, but all she could think about were Derek's lips on hers, his minty breath, his warm hands on her back and through her hair.

Around four pm, Derek cornered Addison on the stairs and pulled her into an empty room again. This time he didn't make her sit, he gently pushed her against the wall instead. Addison moaned, sensing their tangible passion surround them.

Derek pressed his lips on Addison's neck, then on her shoulder. He felt tingling with adrenaline and attraction.

For a moment, body against body, they both savored how being together made them feel, anticipating something more.

Then one of their phones buzzed, and Addison opened her eyes as it all ended.

"It's mine."

"Don't answer." Derek kept placing quick kisses on her skin, but it was different now, he realized the real extent of the situation.

"Let me – let me just look... it's my brother – he won't stop calling. _Archer?_"

"_Hey, sissy."_

"Archie! How are you?"

"_I'm fine... are you okay? You sound strange."_

"Oh, no, I'm okay. I'm just, you know, working. I'm really busy."

"_Alright."_ Archer sighed. _"Well, I just wanted to ask about Mackenzie."_

Addison panicked. She would have loved to talk about it, but not with Derek _glued_ to her. She couldn't.

"I can't talk about it now, Archie. Really, I have to go."

"_Fine, just ring me when you're going home. I'll probably be sleeping but leave a message and I'll call again in the morning. Okay?"_

"Sure."

"_Bizzy is worried about you and trust me when I say it's creepy to see her so concerned. She said she might visit you."_

"No!" Addison exclaimed. "Don't let her. I'm doing great here by myself. I'll, I'll call her soon, tell her that, and I'll tell her everything."

"_Alright, don't worry about it. Well, I'll let you work in peace then. And remember, don't get attached."_

"I won't." she whispered sadly, turning off her phone.

Derek kissed her cheek. "Is everything alright?"

She nodded. "Yeah." her pager went off, and she winced. "It's Meredith, Derek."

Derek turned pale. "She wasn't supposed to be here before six."

"It says 911, it's an emergency. I'll walk out first, okay? Wait at least ten minutes."

She flew out of the room, running down the stairs to the ER. Her heart beat harshly in her chest, in a mixture of fear, guilt and excitement. For a second Mackenzie's face flashed before her eyes, but it was soon replaced by Derek's blue eyes and dreamy smile.

The eight-hours-long surgery with Meredith wasn't as bad as she expected. After a while she was able to fully relax and convince herself that for no reason Meredith suspected she and Derek had had a few make-out sessions. That was when she realized they crossed the point of no return.


	11. I Love You

**All The Things You Said**

**Chapter Eleven**

**-I Love You-**

Addison opened her eyes with a yawn and smiled. She ran her hand up and down Derek's bare chest, enjoying its warmth and softness. Despite her persistent reluctance until the very end, eventually they _had_ crossed the line.

Derek had insisted to take her out for dinner the previous night, letting her choose the restaurant. He picked her up from her apartment, and he even bought her flowers, roses and mimosa, that she immediately placed in a vase on the table of her small kitchen. The dinner had been nice and long, followed by a relaxing stroll and a hot chocolate Derek insisted to drink.

It was almost one when he drove her home, and when Addison opened the door of the building she expected Derek to kiss her, turn around and leave to go home to his wife and to Mackenzie, but he followed her inside instead. Again, Addison imagined he was only going to walk her upstairs to her apartment, but Derek brushed her goodbye off with a quick kiss.

"I'm staying." he said.

Addison had stared had him open-mouthed, but Derek kept kissing her with a soft grin on his face, and eventually she wrapped her arms around his neck and let herself go, full aware that it was, once again, the point of no return. They were lovers.

"Good morning." Derek said, sensing that she was awake. His eyes were still closed, but he found her back with his hand and started to rub it. "Are you ready for round two?"

Addison laughed, shaking her head. "You're incorrigible." she pecked his lips before standing up, pulling the sheet with her to cover her naked body. "I'm going to make some breakfast. You can rest for a while more, if you want."

"Mm-mh." Derek mumbled, making Addison smile again. She felt like she could act natural with him, like they were meant to meet each other, like it was all a plan of God.

Stretching her arms, she made some coffee and opened the cupboard to see if she had cookies.

She suddenly felt Derek's arms around her body, and giggled when he tickled her. "Let me go!"

"No!" Derek laughed, forcing her to turn around and face him.

Addison let him lift her from the floor, perfectly pleased by his kisses and touch.

"Can I have a cookie?" Derek asked when, some minutes later, he put her down.

"Of course. Here, take some coffee."

Derek took the cup from her hand. "Thanks." he took a sip, enjoying the taste and warmth, but his eyes unexpectedly caught sight of Addison's wall clock and he gulped. "Addie, I have to go. I was supposed to be at the hospital fifteen minutes ago. I didn't realize it was already eight when we woke up."

"Okay." she told him sadly.

"You have the day off?"

"Yeah, I do. Don't worry, go. Have a good day."

Derek pecked her lips and hurried down the stairs to his car in slight panic. His only excuse for being out all night was that he was at the hospital, but he doubted Meredith would ever believe him if he wasn't there.

He drove fast, almost missing a red light, and thankfully he managed to be quick. Addison really erased everything else from his mind, there was only space for her in his thoughts. He couldn't understand why, nor how much he actually felt for her. He's love for Meredith had never wavered, and he was sure it was still there, he _knew_ it was there. But when he thought about Addison or looked at her, even from a distance, he truly felt like she was the only thing existing. He knew he needed to figure it all out, and soon, really soon, but he didn't know how. Meredith was amazing, and he never thought he'd want to give up on his perfect family, but Addison...

"Where have you been?"

Derek looked at his left; Mark was only a few feet away from him and seemed uptight.

"Here... I mean, I spent the night here. I just went out for a walk and a coffee. You know I hate the cafeteria's stuff."

Mark seemed to relax a bit, though his eyebrows were still raised in a frown. "Meredith called me, she was worried. I told her you were here, but when I arrived an hour ago I couldn't find you."

"I told you, I was having breakfast a few blocks from here."

Glancing at Derek's car with suspect, Mark started at him serious. "You're not having an affair, are you?"

Derek didn't need to fake his surprise. He knew his story wasn't completely believable, but he'd never thought Mark would ask him something like that.

"No." he answered, hoping Mark would let it go.

"Alright." he said indeed, although hesitantly. "Well, call Meredith. I'll see you later."

* * *

Addison forced herself to clean her apartment after Derek left for the hospital. She didn't have many free days, and although she felt quite lazy that day she couldn't lay in bed all day long eating junk food.

She washed the floor and the windows, cleaned up the bathroom and started the washing machine; as she was about to start ironing, she was paged to work.

Groaning, but happy to leave the house and to see Derek again, she changed clothes quickly and took her car.

The emergency patient was a teenager girl at her thirtieth week of pregnancy, who was going though a displacement of the placenta.

The surgery was quick and successful, so after reassuring the worried parents and numb boyfriend, Addison decided to get something to eat, hoping to catch up with someone she knew; lately, the only colleague she talked to had been Derek, and she wanted to change that. Seeing Lexie eating by herself, she approached her. "Hey. I'm not bother you, am I? I was wondering if I could have lunch here with you."

"Sure, have a sit." Lexie closed the magazine she was reading, smiling at Addison reassuringly. "How's your day been?"

"Oh, I was supposed to be off but there was an emergency. I just finished my surgery. Yours?"

"I'm having a slow day. But that's good, I'm exhausted. I probably have shadows under my eyes, like a zombie."

"You don't, I promise." Addison laughed, taking a bite of her hamburger.

Lexie laughed as well, with gratitude in her eyes. "Thank you, Addison. Oh, look who's here!"

Addison watched as Lexie stood up and hugged Mackenzie.

Addison seriously thought that her heart missed a few heartbeats for the magnitude of her amazement. She had seen Mackenzie before, and talked to her, but it was different, now her daughter was sitting down between her and Lexie, leaving her literally breathless. She couldn't look away – not that she wanted to.

Mackenzie was eleven, and she was the most beautiful child Addison recalled seeing in her thirty years of life. Her hair was long and wavy and her eyes were so deep that for a moment, when Mackenzie returned her look, Addison got lost in them. She was a princess.

"Meredith dropped her off, she had an emergency and since it's Saturday school's off..." she heard Derek explain; she barely even noticed he was there, at her side, she only saw Mackenzie, the girl was her only concern, the only thing that mattered, that ever mattered.

"Addison, is it true that you separated conjoined twins?"

"Oh! Yes, I did."

"How was it? I wish I could watch that kind of surgery some day..."

"It was really exciting, but I was really scared. One wrong move and one of the babies, or even both, could have died." Addison, nervous, glanced at Derek. Somehow, it calmed her down a little bit. "You can come watch my surgeries, if you want. I wouldn't mind."

Mackenzie brightened at those words. "Can I? Oh, thank you, Addison! You know, I really like babies, I think I might become a neonatal surgeon. When's your next surgery?" she asked excited.

Addison smiled at her. "Tomorrow morning at ten; a TTTS case. Do you know what it means?"

"Sure, I read an article! It means one of the twins is getting more blood of the other, who might die if you don't fix it... right?"

"Right." Addison nodded. "I see you really like this topic."

"Oh, I absolutely love it. The doctor you're covering for – Dr. Layton – was a real douche. You're way way better."

"Thank you, Mackenzie." Addison was starting to feel her eyes sting, she felt like crying of joy, her daughter was talking to her, she admired her.

"Can I come tomorrow morning to see her surgery, Dad?"

"I don't see why not." Derek told his daughter, looking at Addison with half a smile. "Mom and I will drive you here, earlier though, your mother has a surgery scheduled at eight."

"Mackenzie can follow me as I check on my other patients." Addison suggested, eager to spend as much time with her girl as she could. The six months weren't going to last forever, three had already passed.

"Are you sure? She's a kid, she might get in the way..."

"Dad, you know I won't! Don't ruin it!"

"Don't worry, Mackenzie, I know you won't." Addison reassured her. "I'd be glad to show you how I work on the weekends, when you don't have school."

Mackenzie smiled happily, giving her father an 'I-thought-so' look.

"You're a little devil, Macks. Well, I have to get back to work, ladies. Behave, Mackenzie. Stay with your Aunt Lexie."

Mackenzie rolled her eyes, but nodded.

"You can come with my now, if you want, Mackenzie. I have a few people to check out, while I'm here."

"Cool, of course. Aunt Lexie, I'll see you later."

"Bye, sweetie. And thank you for taking her with you, Addison."

"Don't worry about it... Bye!"

* * *

After a few delighting hours spent with Mackenzie, Addison was forced to let her go – Meredith claimed her back for dinner. Sadness invested her, powerful. For a whole afternoon she felt Mackenzie's mother, not a stranger who was taken into consideration only for her job. Addison sensed there was a link between her and the young girl, a strong one, but she also knew she couldn't do anything about it. In a few months time, she would be forced to leave, she'd go back to New York, with no Derek, no ferry-boats, and no Mackenzie. If when she arrived she knew it would hurt her deeply to leave Seattle, now she was sure it was going to tear her apart, killing her soul and restraining her happiness forever.

"Are you okay?" for the second time that day she didn't notice Derek even if he stood only a few steps away from her.

She looked up, aching inside, and threw her arms around his neck, trying with all her strength not to burst in tears.

"Hey, what happened?"

And Addison, only half-conscious of the words she was saying, told him the thing that would link them forever, that would entwine their lives so deeply to allow Addison to always feel close to her baby girl. "I love you."


	12. Nothing Wrong About This

**All The Things You Said**

**Chapter Twelve**

**-Nothing Wrong About This-**

Addison woke up with an uneasy feeling. She tried to remember whether she had had a nightmare, but she couldn't think of anything other than her istinct telling her something bad might be around the corner. Initially, she ascribed it at her the superficial sleep in the uncomfortable on-call room, but as she quickly walked to OR3, where she had to perform a very complicated c-section, guilt came back, arrogant and strong.

She and Derek had been seeing each other in secret for a month, and no one looked at them disapprovingly, proving Derek's unconvincing point that nobody knew, despite Addison's firm convintion that Meredith must at least _suspect_ something, since her husband spent more time at the hospital than he was meant to.

Addison thought about Mackenzie every day and night, telling herself that the girl was as happy as she had wished she was and that she was ruining her wonderful life by going out with Derek. She'd planned to end things with him a hundred times, almost every day, but somthing always happened when she saw him; her perspective reversed, her words changed, and instead of telling him she couldn't go on, she ended up saying a whole-hearted 'I love you'.

Derek was amazing. He was always perfect with her, caring and kind, and he had just that little bit of possessiveness that made Addison's heart beat faster every time.

When she thought about Mackenzie she felt like she could live without Derek, like she _didn't want _to be with him. But then he kissed her cheek or ran his fingers through her hair, and he bought he coffee and chocolate muffins. Once, when he stayed at her place for the night, he cooked her favorite breakfast.

Her only 'rule' was to excude Mackenzie from her mind when she was with Derek, preventing herself from crying her heart out. Every other plan didn't matter anymore.

Deeply lost in her inner conflinct, Addison bumped into someone as she turned right.

"Addison!"

"Oh, hi, Meredith. Sorry, I, uhm, didn't notice you... I was thinking about... some stuff." Addison blushed, feeling doubly awkward when Derek's and Mackenzie's faces flashed in her mind, as they often did at any time of her day.

"Don't worry, I wasn't really paying attention either. How are you?"

"I'm okay, but I actually need to go. I have a surgery in a couple of minutes."

"Sure. Oh, before you go, I wanted to thank you. For Mackenzie, you know. She loves to follow you around, she started to read all the articles you've ever written."

"Really?" for a moment, Addison forgot any other thing's existance, deeply lost in her daughter's life. She felt like Mackenzie was the only thing keeping her breathing.

Meredith nodded. "Sure, she looks up to you. I'm glad she found someone that inspires her. Of course I wish it was me, but I'm her mother, and that's all I ever asked and wanted. Well, I'll let you go operate, anyway. Just – have you seen Derek?"

Addison's smile faded. "Oh. No, sorry. I've been sleeping until five minutes ago."

Meredith shook her head slightly. "Never mind, I'll look for him." she paused for a few seconds. "He's so strange lately."

As she walked away, Addison could swear Meredith looked at her knowingly, as if she wanted to let her know she knew. Addison winced slightly, panicking for a moment. What would the consequences be? Would Derek make a choice? Would Mackenzie hate her? Though she was sure of what the answers were, Addison felt pangs of pain shake her body if she put a deeper thought about it. So she brushed it off, breathing deeply. She had patients to save.

* * *

Addison smiled when she noticed that her young patient was slowly waking up from the anesthesia. She liked her job, but her favorite patients were young girls, because she could relate to them closely.

She squeezed the girl's hand, grabbing a glass of water and offering it to her. She had walked in a few minutes earlier to check on her, but the parents, who still were extremly worried, asked her if she could stay while they got something to drink.

"Hi, Ella. The surgery went well. Your son is perfectly fine, and so are you." Addison informed her patient before she had the chance to ask.

"Really?" the girl's eyes widended in joy, and she returned Addison's smile. "When can I see my son?"

"In a few hours, if you feel strong enough. He's doing great so far, and he was sleeping peacefully the last time I checked on him. I'll have someone bring him here when you feel better."

The girl nodded. "Where are my parents?"

"They only went to get a cup of coffee, they'll be back soon."

Another nod. "I don't know how I'm supposed to be a mother."

"Oh, it's easy. You'll learn in no time, Ella. You seem a smart girl to me."

"Do you have any children, Dr. Montgomery?"

Addison paled. She always feared that question. Several colleagues and patients had asked her over the years, though she didn't think she really looked like a mother. There was probably something in her looks that led people to understand she was a parent.

"I do." Addison answered, swallowing bitterly. "I do, I have a child, but I don't live with her. I'm not her mom, just... her mother. That's how I'd put it. See, Ella, I really never know what to say when I'm asked if I have kids."

"Oh." Ella looked at her with sympathy. "I understand. Can I... can I ask you something? Because I, uhm, I'm not sure if I can be a mother. My parents say they'll help me and that I can do it, but I think I'm not meant to mother someone yet. Do you get it?"

"Of course I do." Addison whispered. "I was nineteen when it happened to me. My parents weren't as supportive as yours. But my daughter was adopted by very nice people, and she grew up happily, just how I wanted her to."

"I love my son." Ella told her tearfully.

"And I love my daughter, Ella. You have to make the choice that you feel right, do what your istinct tells you. You'd probably be an awesome mother if you kept your son. He'd grow up loved and cared of."

"I don't want that." Ella whispered, as a tear rolled down her face. "I don't want my parents to raise _my_ child. I don't want to give up on my _dreams_."

Addison swallowed again. She sighed. She didn't want to say anything else that could made _her_ decide for Ella, but the girl was saying what she had felt over a decade earlier.

Addison turned around when someone walked in the room; Ella's mother was cying silently and her father looked beyond sad.

Addison stood up from the chair awkwardly, squeezing Ella's hand again. "Whatever you decide, Ella, keep in mind this isn't about your parents, or your son, or yourself. It's a wholeness. You need to consider everything, because if one day you end up regretting it... -"

Leaving the sentence hanging in the pregnant air, Addison left the room, pushing back her own tears. She had more or less said it. She regretted it. As much as Mackenzie seemed happy and had had a great life, Addison coulnd't help but think that she would have been better off with her.

Closing herself in a dark supply room, Addison slipped on the floor and grabbed her phone. She needed to call Bizzy. She needed someone to tell her about her dreams, because she forgot them. She needed someone to remind her why she let Meredith and Derek take Mackenzie from her.

_"Addison? Is that you? You never call!"_

"Believe me mother, you do not want to start this conversation by accusing me of something."

Addison heard Bizzy sucking air in.

"I shouldn't have come here. Seeing Mackenzie, hearing her adoptive parents talking about her... it's too painful. Like salt on a burning wound."

_"I'm sorry, Addison. I pushed you to go there, but I... I was just in the middle of some sort of delirium... I couldn't think straight. I did want you to know something about her, and I do now see I did awful choices, but I should have known it'd only give you pain. I'm sorry."_

"It's not only painful." Addison told her in a whisper, thinking about when she and Derek kissed or when Mackenzie watched her work full of enthusiasm. "There are good things."

_"Maybe it's time for you to come home."_ Bizzy suggested. "_Snap a picture, book a flight and go back to New York."_

"Yeah." Addison agreed. "I probably will in a few weeks."

A few minutes later she walked out again, and stopped in front of Ella's room. The girl, now calmer, smiled at her and signaled her to walk in.

"How would you have named your daughter, Dr. Montgomery?"

Addison thought about it for a minute. "I didn't really thought of a name, because I knew I couldn't keep her, but I think she would have been an Ashley. I used to love that name."

* * *

Addison stretched as she signed the patient chart. It was a slow afternoon and she got stuck with paperwork. She was shaken out of her mechanic movements when her phone rang. Thinking it was Archer, she answered without checking, and part of her regretted it.

_"Hey, honey, it's me."_

"Derek!" Addison felt her heart of her throat. She was starting to feel bad around Derek. She wasn't sure about him anymore.

_"Yep, it's me."_ he repeated. _"I'm home right now, but, you know, since we've been seeing each other for exactly a month today..."_

Addison couldn't help but smile weakly as she remembered it.

_"I want to take you out for dinner."_ Derek informed her. _"Can I pick you up at eight?"_

Before she could answer properly, he talked again. _"I already made reservations, and I told Meredith a friend from my childhood is in town. It's all set. Okay?"_

Addison tried to talk, but as always there was something that held her back. A four-letters word was way simpler to force out than a long explanation about why she couldn't be with him anymore. "Okay."

* * *

Derek picked her up a few blocks from the hospital, like he had promised. Addison had managed to go home, freshen up and put on her best dress before leaving the house again, and despite the guilt that was still eating her alive, she couldn't wait to see Derek. They hadn't seen each other in two days, and Addison missed him more than she was willing to admit. Her dress was too thin and it was getting quite cold; a storm was most likely on its way, hence why as soon as Derek's car stopped in front of her, Addison hopped inside and shivered.

"I'm freezing. I was going to be late, and I forgot to grab my coat..." she let her voice fade, captured by Derek's eyes and smile. He was a few inches from her face, leaning in to kiss her.

"Hey." he said.

"Hey." Addison repeated, letting herself go once again. She leaned against Derek's body, inhaling his manly scent. "I missed you, Der."

"Not as much as _I_ missed _you_." Derek whispered softly in her ear between kisses.

Addison giggled. "How come you always miss more?"

"Because I'm addicted to you... your absence literally kills me."

They made out for a while, until Addison's stomach rumbled.

Derek pulled away and let out a small laugh. "I take it you're hungry?"

"More like starving." she said. "I kind of forgot to eat."

Derek rolled his eyes as he started the car. "I'll drive fast."

"Thank you."

"Hey, Addison?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm happy."

"I'm happy too." Addison answered honestly, inabriated by her love for Derek. "I really am."

"Good." Derek glanced at her, smiling.

"This is nice." Addison told him when they got out of the car in front of the restaurant.

"It's a good restaurant, I ate here more than once and really, the food is amazing."

The waiter welcomed them warmly; he even recognized Derek. He led them to a private table, that was lovely set with perfumed candles and red roses.

"Oh, Derek." Addison was radiant with joy.

"Do you like it?" he asked her, with a glimpse of nervouseness in his ardent voice.

"I love it, Der. And I love you." Addison hugged him, feeling as if she was complete with him, for the first time in her life. "It feels all so right."

"It does." Derek agreed, kissing her temple before pulling the chair back for her to sit. "It is."

Addison smiled, losing herself in the depth of his eyes. Everything else disappeared, like it always did.

She and Derek ate slowly, tasting a lot of different dishes and feeding each other between laughters and passionate kisses. Somehow, Addison's lipstick ended up leaving a mark on Derek's shirt's collar, and he would have gladly draw other people's attention to their table hadn't Addison stopped him.

Derek drove her home, driving way slowler than when he picked her up. None of them wanted to part, but they knew Derek couldn't afford to spend another poorly-justified night away from home.

"Let me walk you upstairs." Derek told her, taking Addison's hand as she got out of his car.

"Of course." she smiled in answer, letting him wrap his arm around her body.

Derek kissed her on every landing, teasing her in any way he knew.

Addison stopped in front of her door, knowing that Derek wouldn't go in with her. She looked at him sadly.

"I'll call you tomorrow as soon as I wake up." he promised.

"I already miss you."

Derek gave her one last kiss. "I love you, Addie. See you tomorrow."

Addison sighed, but nodded.

"Sleep tight."

"You too."

The door burst open, making both of them jump in surprise. Addison saw Derek throw her a questioning look and she turned towards her apartment to identify the intruder. Her heartbeat accelerated when she saw him, his eyebrows raised disapprovingly, and she felt herself faint. She automatically placed her hand on Derek's arm, but pulled it away immediately as if it had burnt her skin. She looked from one man to the other, abruptly drifting back to reality.


	13. Over

**All The Things You Said**

**Chapter Thirteen**

**-Over-**

**A/N: Thank you, my awesome reviewers, for giving me all your support. I got past 100 reviews with last chapter, and it was a first for me! You're all amazing!**

"Where are you going, Derek?"

Derek turned around in the dark room, feeling busted.

Meredith was looking at him quite angrily, her arms folded on her chest, her lips tightly pressed in a line.

Derek didn't answer.

"It's five in the morning, I didn't hear your pager nor your phone. So?"

"I..." he started, only to be cut off a moment later.

"I know what's going on, Derek. I know you're cheating on me. I don't know with who and I don't know why, but I'm pretty sure you are, and if you're not and there's another explanation, this is the right moment to enlighten me, Derek!"

Derek sighed heavily. "Mer, I was just going to the hospital. What's so strange about it? It's my job. I have patients to see. I know it's only a little after five, but it takes forty minutes to get to the hospital and I have a craniotomy scheduled at seven."

Meredith looked hesitant to fully believe him. Her arms unfolded, falling at her sides. "You didn't tell me you had a craniotomy." she said accusingly, but her tone of voice didn't express anger anymore.

"I thought I told you." Derek answered with sincerity. He really did have a surgery to perform, but he felt bad for lying about Addison. What would they do once Meredith _really_ found out? "It was supposed to be at eleven, but we had to anticipate it."

Meredith nodded. "I believe you. But I'm your wife, and I know you better than anyone else does – except for your mother, probably. I still think you might be cheating on me, and you're gonna need to find a way to prove me wrong, especially before _our daughter_ puts a deeper thought into her father's absence."

"I'm not absent." Derek protested weakly.

"You are, and you know it. Derek, I love you, I'll never stop, but for God's sake, get it back together. What is this, a mid-life crisis?"

Derek wrinkled his nose, upset by the questions, and chose not to answer. "I have to go, Meredith."

"Go then. But don't think that this talk is _over_."

Derek cursed under his breath after closing the oak door behind him. He loved Meredith, he didn't want her to hurt. He just happened to love another woman more.

* * *

Addison slammed her locker angrily. "You had no right to intrude like this in my life."

"That's what our mother said, but thank God I came here, look what you got yourself into."

"Archer, I'm a grown woman, I'm perfectly capable of making my own choices, thank you very much. You aren't needed."

"Who's that man?"

Addison blushed.

"You're blushing, Addison! Like a horny teenager!" Archer cleared his throat, still staring at his sister, and lowered his voice. They were alone in the room, but he didn't want to risk being heard. "You're supposed to leave in less than two months, Addison. Come to your senses."

"I fell in love with Derek, Archie. I might stay, I might leave, I don't know that, but I love him!"

"Wait... Derek? He isn't... he isn't, right? Addison? He's not Mackenzie's father, is he?"

Addison looked away, and jolted when Archer kicked a chair.

"Archer..."

"You're having an affair with your daughter's _father_? I mean, do you have any idea of how immoral it is? And _I_ am telling you this, Addison, and I barely know what morality is. But this is... crazy."

"And don't you think I know that?! I tried to fight it! But we got too close... he felt the same way too..."

"Does he know who you are?" Archer had calmed down a bit, but Addison knew he was angry and disappointed. She was as well. She wanted to go back in time and change it all.

"No, he doesn't." she sighed.

"Who does he think you are?"

"Just – someone, Archer. He thinks I just moved here in search of something new, but I-"

"You are the woman who gave birth to his daughter. How could you do this, Addison? Don't you think about Mackenzie and how much this will affect her?"

"Every day." Addison sat down; her body trembled as loud sobs escaped her lips.

"No – hey – don't cry." Archer hugged her. "I was a little harsh. I know you don't want to hurt Mackenzie, but Adds, this can't end up in a good way."

"I know." Addison sniffed. "I tried to leave him, Archie. I tried to push him away. But I couldn't even bring myself to tell him!" she cried.

Archer sighed heavily. "I think you need to tell him now, Adds."

"I don't know how." she admitted sadly.

"Just tell him the truth. That our parents blackmailed you into giving your child up, and that you wanted to make sure she was being raised properly, so you came here."

Addison nodded, wiping her face with a tissue. Her pager went off.

"Go." Archer told her. "I'll go have breakfast somewhere, call me when you're free again, alright?"

"Yeah."

Composing herself as much as it was possible, Addison tied her hair in a tail and fixed her lab coat. She opened the door of the room, Archer was only a step behind, and he bumped into her when she stopped on her tracks, frozen, a horrified look on her tear-stained face.

Derek stood in front of her, his jaw and fists clenched in absolute rage.

"Derek..." she said his name softly, scared.

He spun around, walking away from her as fast as his astonishment allowed him to, as if his life depended on creating a big distance between him and her.

She instinctively followed him, trying to grab his arm.

"Derek! Please! It's not what you think! What you heard is just -"

"I think I heard quite right." he spat out angrily, making another step back from her.

Tears quickly formed again in Addison's eyes.

"I..."

"Don't." Derek inhaled air sharply. "I get it. You came out here to take _my_ daughter away from me. Meredith and I trusted you, but listen to me, Addison, and listen well: she's _our_ daughter, and if you _dare_ to get close to her, I'll have you arrested."

"I don't want to take Mackenzie, Derek. I only wanted to _see_ her."

"You did." he answered. "Don't you dare." he repeated then, but before walking away for good he looked at Addison one last time. "What about all the things you said? Were they a lie?"

"Some of them were."

Derek shook his head. "I want to never see you again."

* * *

Derek let himself into his house, exhausted.

"Hey, Dad." Mackenzie greeted him from the sitting room, where she was watching the television.

"Hi, Princess." he smiled at her, trying hard to hide his sadness.

"Do you want some ice-cream? Mom said I could have some as a snack. And she's _making_ pizza for dinner."

"Wow, that's amazing! Hey, I need to talk to your mom for a moment, but I'll join you in a little while. That ice-creams looks really good."

"It is." the eleven-year-old giggled.

Derek walked upstairs, looking for Meredith in the study. He then found her in their bedroom, lying on the bed. She sat up when she heard him enter.

"Hey."

Derek sighed heavily and sat beside her. He looked at her. "I need to talk to you."

Meredith merely returned his look, waiting.

"You were right this morning, I've been seeing someone."

Meredith gasped for air. "God Derek."

"No, wait, just – just let me finish. I'm, I'm not leaving you."

"What a great consolation." she told him bitterly.

"I'm sorry." Derek said. "I didn't mean it. I fell for her. I tried not to."

"Who, Derek?" Meredith managed to ask.

Derek sighed.

"I know her, I suppose. And it's Addison, am I correct?"

"Yes." Derek eventually confirmed.

Meredith nodded, taking in in. Her suspect had turned out to be the truth.

"There's something else."

"Is she pregnant?"

"No! God no." Derek felt a wave of nausea. "She's – God, Meredith. It makes me sick. I overheard a conversation she was having with a man – her brother I think – and she said -" he swallowed.

"She said what?"

"She's Mackenzie's biological mother." he whispered, and it tore him apart. He buried his face in his hands.

"What!" Meredith jumped up. "What does she want, Derek? I'm not gonna let her take my child!"

"Me neither, Mer. She said she wanted to see her and nothing more, but I don't believer her. We should get a restraining order."

Meredith nodded vigorously. "I can't believe it! I worked with her, I liked her! Our daughter spent time with her! And you slept with her fucking mother!"

"Don't yell, Me!" Derek hushed her. "I don't want Mackenzie to hear it like this."

Meredith's body went limp as she sat down again. "What now?"

"I don't know."


	14. The Plan I Had

**All The Things You Said**

**Chapter Fourteen**

**-The Plan I Had-**

Addison had to force herself to get out of bed the following morning. She really wanted to go to the hospital, look for Derek and find the words to explain, but she knew him well enough to be sure he wouldn't listen. Every thing she made was mechanical. She turned off her alarm clock, went to the bathroom, ate, showered, got dressed, and before she knew it an hour and a half had passed and she hadn't noticed. She felt empty. Derek and Archer were right, most of her words were lies. She tricked Derek, making him fall for her without meaning to, and even when she realized she _wanted_ to back out she kept lying and lying and she let Derek find out in the most awful way. But what neither Derek nor Archer could see, not yet at least, because she hoped they'd understand some day, was that she truly loved Derek. Her feelings for him were the strongest she had ever felt for someone in her whole life, with the only exception of Mackenzie, who in any case reminded her of Derek every single time she caught a glimpse of her in the hospital hallways.

Addison knew she looked horrible. She didn't have a good sleep the previous night, and she only wanted to hide somewhere and cry it all out, pushing all the sadness and guilt and anxiety away from her aching heart.

Archer insisted on booking a room at a hotel for a night; Addison knew it was only his remorse talking because he claimed he would be staying in Seattle for the rest of the week, and maybe more, immediately after. At that very moment Addison was actually torn between her need of the familiar presence of her big brother to comfort her and the anger she still felt towards him for messing up her life once more. She felt lonely, but at the same time she wanted to be alone, for the vanity that was in her shuddered at the thought of someone else seeing her so in ruin.

But it was close to ten minutes past nine, and she was already running late, she couldn't linger no more. Driving carefully and slowly, conscious of the very low attention she was paying to any thing that wasn't Derek or her own feelings, she arrived at work with almost fifty minutes of delay. Immediately another doctor approached her with the intention of presenting a new emergency case, but stopped, as if frightened by her paleness, and asked if she needed to sit. Now that it was pointed out to her that bluntly, Addison couldn't help but nod weakly.

Chief Webber had apparently been informed of her delay and that she wasn't feeling well, because he walked up to her about five minutes later while she was sitting on a chair drinking some fresh water.

"Dr. Montgomery, are you feeling sick?" he asked.

Addison shook her head. "Not really... just a little weak. I'll be fine in a few minutes, Chief."

Webber eyes her suspiciously. "You have the day off."

"What!" Addison couldn't help but jump up. Sure, she wasn't at her best at the moment, but work was her only distraction. She needed it. "Chief, I said I'm fine!"

"You barely took a whole day off since you started working here, Addison. I'm glad to have you in my staff but you need to rest and relax. I can't have sleep-deprived doctors performing long surgeries and treating patients. It would be really irresponsible of me. Go home, Montgomery. Have a good sleep, read a book, watch a movie, I don't know, but I don't want to see you before tomorrow at noon. It's an order."

And with those firm words he left, leaving Addison bitter on the chair. She stood up, assuring the nurse that she was feeling better, and breathed deeply. She was going to go home soon, but she wanted to talk to Derek first, or at least attempt to.

She wandered through the hospital for a bit, absently biting her lower lip due to nervousness. She suddenly noticed Derek in front of her, talking to another neurosurgeon, John Feldman, she remembered. Addison made a step forward, her heart in her throat, beating fast, cutting away her breath. Derek noticed her, and his smile died down. Addison watched as he talked to their colleague, occasionally glancing at her with rage. She waited, thinking that it was a good sign that he didn't leave as soon as he saw her. When Feldman walked away, probably on his way to the operating room, Addison hesitantly approached Derek.

He clenched his fists, looking away from her.

"You didn't let me explain. I need to tell you, Derek. I need you to hear it from me, even if you already know. Please."

Derek eventually looked up, and Addison did everything she could not to interpret his look as disgusted, but she miserably failed.

"Two minutes, not a second more."

"Thank you." she told him, tears in her already red eyes. "Derek, I'm really sorry. I was forced to give her up. My parents made me give her up, it was my only choice. I wasn't even twenty. They blackmailed me. They would have thrown me out, wouldn't have given me any money, if I had kept her. I wanted her to have a good life. I didn't even hold her once, you know? I couldn't, I wouldn't have let her go if I had hold her. I buried her memory in the back of my mind until a few months ago, when my mother apologized to me for the very first time. I had a plan, Derek. I planned to come here, see my daughter, make sure she was living a happy life and then leave without anyone knowing who I actually was. But you know what they say, people plan, and God laughs. I didn't mean to fall in love with you, I only meant to see Mackenzie once or twice, without even being noticed by her, to make sure she was adopted by good people. But by the time I got my answer, I was in love with you so deeply that it made me forget everything else."

Addison stopped talking, sucking in a big breath of air, staring at Derek.

He returned her look, calmer, but still distant. Everything had changed so quickly that he was lost in a limbo between the past and the present.

"There," he said, "You explained. Don't think it means I forgive you, Addison. I loved you, and as much as I am thankful to you for bringing Mackenzie to life, when I see you I only think you're her biological mother, now. The enemy."

Addison took in his words, that hurt incredibly, but to her surprise she didn't feel like falling. After all, Derek was right. "I understand. Derek, I still want to talk to you. I know I hurt you and that I lied to you, but I truly love you with all my heart and I want you to see that I never was the enemy. I will stand aside in this. It was a mistake, we should have never even talked. I refuse to tear your family apart even more than I already did. You don't have to tell Mackenzie who I am, just go on with your life. All three of you. I'll talk to Webber and ask if I can resign immediately."

She waited for a moment, hoping to hear Derek's answer. But it didn't come, and she nodded in bitter acceptance, turning around to leave.

Derek stood there, isolated from any form of life around him, his words only half-way out.

* * *

Meredith and Derek were sitting on the couch of their living room, waiting for Mackenzie to come home from school so they could talk to her. The room was silent, neither one of them felt like talking to their spouse. Derek felt bad for how he cheated on his wife, and he didn't want to bring up a fight. Meredith was still too shocked about Addison being her daughter's mother to have any coherent thought, but she was trying to plan how to explain things to Mackenzie nevertheless.

"Do you still love her?" Meredith asked some time later, when the thought suddenly and painfully crossed her mind.

Derek looked at her sheepishly. "I don't know." Meredith didn't add anything, and he felt the need to explain himself better. "I really fell for her, to the point that I _needed_ her in my life at every moment. I never thought about leaving you for her, but I admit I didn't want to end things with her, either. I don't think that love is gone, it's probably somewhere hidden in my heart, but I can't find it. I can't feel it anymore right now."

Meredith swallowed slowly, sitting straighter. "I wouldn't get mad if you wanted to stay with her. Had it only been sex, I'd be furious, but I'm the first to know you can't help falling in love. It's just... she was probably meant to be in our life. You said Addison told you we don't need to tell Mackenzie who she is, but we do."

"I know, Mer."

"She'd want to know. And it's right for her to know. We just need to leave out the part where you slept with Addison... other than that, she needs to know. I'm not scared of losing Mackenzie, I know I'll always be her mom no matter what. And I'm not scared of losing you, because from what you said I gathered that I pretty much already lost you, and I'm still alive and breathing, so I can handle it. You can be with her, Derek. Everything will change, but if she is who you want we can find a way to get through it. Mackenzie, me and you. But – but if there's even the slightest change of you loving me again and choosing me, I'll fight."

"Right now I don't know anything anymore, Meredith. I barely know who I am, let alone what I want."

Mackenzie choose that moment to walk in, with her usual warm smile and a lot of things to tell about her day. Meredith and Derek loved those moments, when they all sat down to eat together, the three if them, and their daughter chattered happily talking about everything she could think of.

"Hey, honey." Meredith stood up and hugged the girl tight, closing her eyes to savor the moment better.

"Hey, Mom. Hi, Dad! I got an A- on my English test!"

"You're so brilliant, sweetheart." Derek told Mackenzie proudly.

Mackenzie smiled even more. "Thank you, Daddy."

Meredith seemed to shake herself out of the nice moment, looking at Mackenzie in a mixture of sadness and comfort. "Sweetie, Dad and I need to talk to you about something important. Can you sit down for a moment?"

She led the eleven-year-old to the couch, between herself and Derek, her arms still holding the girl tight.

"What's wrong?"

"Don't worry, kid. It's not really a bad thing. You might be a little shocked, we were too when we found out, but part of you might actually be a little excited."

Mackenzie didn't seem to feel any better or less worried about the situation; her brown eyebrows were still up in a frown.

"Do you remember when we told you you were adopted?"

Mackenzie remembered it well, like it happened the day before. She was a little over six, and everything was exciting and fascinating to her. For the first two weeks she couldn't stop asking question after question – to which her parents didn't know how to answer – but little by little the subject died down, and while she was growing up, when she talked about it with Derek and Meredith, she claimed she would have liked to meet her biological parents someday, maybe when she turned thirteen or fourteen if she still wanted to. Of course those words were followed by reassurances that she wouldn't love them any less and that they would always be her parents no matter what.

"Why?"

Derek cleared his throat. "We met your birth-mother. She's in town."

"Really? And she wants to see me?"

"She does." Meredith answered her. "But it's up to you, of course. Now, sweetie... about this woman. You've actually met before we were informed of who she was."

"Really? Who is she? Where did I see her?"

Meredith and Derek could see how their daughter's worry was quickly turning into excitement, maybe a little too fast.

Meredith felt her heart sting; she couldn't answer, not that bluntly, but she didn't know how to sugarcoat it. She turned pale when Derek built up the strength to say the words.

"It's Addison."


	15. New Beginnings

**All The Things You Said**

**Chapter Fifteen**

**-New Beginnings-**

_Three weeks later_

Derek took a big breath and knocked on the wooden door, a little nervous but happy at the same time.

Addison opened, and yelped in surprise when she saw him. She stood there motionless for a few moments, watching him smile, trying to figure out whether Derek was real or if he was a product of her imagination and hopes.

"You're a hard woman to track down." Derek told her, softly, brushing his hand against hers. Addison wrapped her fingers around it.

"Mackenzie came here as well, she's waiting in my car." he informed her. "She wants to talk to you, but _I_ need to talk to you first. Don't worry, it won't take me long."

He gently pushed her inside her own house, knowing she wasn't going to pay attention to him anytime soon if Mackenzie was close enough to be seen.

Derek left the door half-open, and looked around the room. He liked it. It perfectly fit Addison, it was her style. Derek could picture her living there without a doubt.

"Derek." Addison finally talked. "What are you here for?"

"To talk." he repeated simply, staring straight into her eyes. "Look, Addison, we both messed up. You should have told me who you were, and I should have come here sooner. I didn't mean some of the things I said, they were quite harsh and out of place. I love you, and even if my anger momentarily confused my feelings for you, I thought it through. Meredith and I talked about the whole situation."

"And?" Addison urged him when he paused.

"As for Mackenzie, I'll leave it to her to say what she wants to say and do. As for me... Meredith understands that we fell in love, that it was stronger than our will. She still loves me, obviously, but she told me from the start that if it's you who I want then she won't stop me. I was confused, I didn't know what I was going to do, until I found out you were leaving."

"I never said to anyone that I was leaving." Addison folded her arms on her chest, as some kind of protection, of comfort, still fearing some kind of rejection.

"I know." Derek nodded. "I was talking to Richard, we're friends, you know, we were just talking, and out of the blue he asked me if I knew why you quit. I thought you had left Seattle, and Addison, I felt distraught."

Addison sighed. "I was ready to move on with my life. I considered leaving Seattle, but I knew I couldn't. I came here to see Mackenzie, and I told myself that if there was even the slightest change of getting to know her somehow, I had to stay. And then there's you and me... I love you. And I think I made it quite clear to you. I don't know what's going to happen, but I don't really care as long as I get to see the two of you, even if it's only because we accidentally bump into each other at the Space Needle or on a ferry-boat."

Derek made a step forward, towards her, and Addison forgot what she was going to say next.

"I love you." Derek said. "And I want you. Right at this moment, it's all I know, and all you and I need to know."

Addison nodded, leaning in as their lips touched. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she thought of how much she had missed him, all of him, and how close she got to losing him for good. She didn't want to feel like that ever again.

"I love you too, Derek. But-"

"No buts, Addie." he pleaded.

"But I don't want to destroy your family. I don't want to hurt Mackenzie any more than I already have."

Derek smiled. "Let's have Mackenzie come in, alright?"

He unwillingly parted from her, going back to the front door and calling out his daughter's name. Addison felt her heart beat so loudly that it sounded like a thunder, echoing in her chest. She wondered if Derek could hear it. Derek smiled at her again, trying to reassure her. His presence helped a little, but Addison was always nervous when her girl was around.

Mackenzie walked in, in all her beauty and youth, and Addison bit her lip. Sometimes, she couldn't believe she made her.

"Hi." she managed to say, weakly, in a whisper.

"Hi."

To Addison's joy, the young girl didn't seem upset, angry, nor disappointed, but she had her cheerful expression on, and Addison felt a little bit of hope.

"Why don't you two sit down?" Derek suggested.

Mackenzie took place on one side on the couch, Addison on the other.

"Dad, stay here, close to me."

Accomplishing his daughter's wish, Derek sat on the other couch, facing Addison but closer to Mackenzie.

"I'm really sorry, Mackenzie." Addison started.

"I know." the girl simply said, and a glimpse of sadness made her smile fade for an instant. "I feel a little uncomfortable." Mackenzie admitted. "But I want to get to know you. When my mom and dad told me that I was adopted, you started being some kind of idol to me. I told myself I wanted to look for you when I was a little older, so I'm not upset about you being here, I'm actually excited, and curious, and I'm looking forward to spending some time with you. I'm just scared that now that you're with my dad, my mom will feel left out."

"That's not going to happen, honey." Derek told her.

"No, it's not." Addison said firmly, getting some of her self-confidence back. "I didn't come here to steal your dad from you, or you from him, or to break your parents' marriage. Things got out of control and your dad and I fell in love. But this won't change much. I mean, I know it's pretty upsetting for you, to know your father is in love with someone who's not your mother – well, with someone else, let's say – but he still loves you and he'll never stop, and you'll keep living with your mom. You'll never be forced to come visit us, if you don't want to. I hope you will, though. And – and I know you're on your mom's side. It's right of you to. But I love you as much as your parents do. Please, don't forget that."

Mackenzie shook her head slightly. "I know. I think I got it all well. I'll come visit, but I'm gonna be a little angry for a while... only a little, I promise. It's just that Mom will need me now."

Addison chuckled, and nodded. "She sure will."

"I'm not really mad at you. My parents are getting divorced, but it's not a big deal, a lot of my friends have divorced parents, and they don't look miserable at all. They always tell me how cool it is to have two houses and two birthday parties and two Christmases and so on." she shrugged. "It's okay. They're still my parents. They won't ever stop being my parents, and that's what matters."

"You're such a smart girl." Addison told her, moved by her quick and relaxed acceptance of the situation.

"And you won't have two birthday parties, if we can avoid it. I'd like you to spend it we both your mom and us together." Derek added, locking eyes with Addison as they shared a shy smile.

"We'll start little by little, okay? Until you're comfortable being around me."

"I was before." Mackenzie admitted sadly.

"I know, sweetie. I'm sorry I changed your life so suddenly, when you were expecting it the least."

Mackenzie shrugged again, with a slight smile still on her lips, but she didn't say anything.

Derek, sensing that the atmosphere between the three of them was starting to get heavier, changed the subject. "So, you brought this house?" he asked Addison.

"Yes, I hated that small apartment. I've always lived in a house and when I decided to move here for good the first thing I did was to look for a decent house."

"I like it." Mackenzie said quietly, looking around.

"It's really lovely. My brother Archer didn't really agree with me moving here, he was already upset about me screwing up your life. But for once, my mother is truly supporting me in my choices, and I'm happy. I love this house, _my_ house. It has two floors, a big kitchen, two bathrooms, and three bedrooms." she said looking at her daughter. "One will be yours. You can come here whenever you want, and as soon as you feel better about all this mess, we can decorate it together. Or just you and Derek, if you prefer me to stay out of it."

"Mom is working until eleven tonight, I could stay here for dinner." Mackenzie told her in answer, a little hesitant.

Addison brightened. "I'd love it."

"Dad, are you moving here? When?"

Addison looked at him, waiting for the answer just like Mackenzie.

"I guess I will, maybe not straightaway, but soon."

Mackenzie, satisfied with her father's answer, turned back to Addison. "What can you cook?"

"Well, I only moved here a few days ago, and I'm not really a good cook, so I'm afraid we'll have to order something, or maybe your father could cook..." Addison explained, leading the girl to the kitchen as Derek observed them happily.

"Yes! Daddy, can you make us some pasta? Like Nana's!"

"Sure, girls, whatever you want. Mackie, go wash your hands so you can help me."

When she disappeared in search of the bathroom, Derek walked closer to Addison and kissed her. "I love you. Don't worry too much about Mackenzie. She's a tough girl... and she loves you too. No doubt about that."

"I know. I love her so much... and I love you. I never want to experience my life without you again."

"You won't have to." he promised.

_The End_

_(but not really)_

* * *

**Yes, I decided to cut the story short. I won't have much time to concentrate on my writing in the next month, so I preferred to end the story rather than having you wait for updates. I already have a mini-sequel in mind, that I'll upload next week and will update weekly like _All The Things You Said_. It will be my last story before my exams, sadly. Please, review this last chapter, and wait for the sequel! I promise you you'll love it as much as this story.**


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